


Painfully Pretending

by okemmelie



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, M/M, emma is valid no matter what ted tries to tell you, previous paul/emma too, previous ted/charlotte
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-19 12:24:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22977682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okemmelie/pseuds/okemmelie
Summary: There's a lot of things Paul is. For instance, Paul is his coworker. Paul is also his friend from way back in high school. There's also a lot of things Paul is not and Paul is certainly not his boyfriend. Hell, he's not even his lover. It doesn't stop Ted from pretending that he is when his ex girlfriend shows up at CCRP.
Relationships: Paul Matthews/Ted
Comments: 293
Kudos: 194





	1. No, no and fuck no

**Author's Note:**

> do i know how long this'll be? no. i don't. but do i intend on keep writing until i'm happy? heck yeah!

It’s another day at the office and nothing is out of the ordinary. Paul, like always, is busy looking at graphs and Ted, like always, has parked his chair behind him and is looking over his shoulder while he listens to customers and their issues for a few minutes, before he redirects them to the assholes on the third floor.

Sure, some would argue that maybe Ted should sit by his own table, but the headset is wireless and at this point, these conversations are so routine to him that it doesn’t fucking matter.

Whatever Paul is doing is not much more interesting, but it is something else and he does get to occasionally bother his high school friend turned coworker, so he sees it as a plus, he really does.

“CCRP technical, this is Ted. How can I help?” He mutes his headset and his microphone as soon as he hears the way too familiar voice of Sherman Young.

He calls in about once a month: His rants are always long and his questions always awful, so Ted prefers not to deal with him. This strategy has worked out so far, so he sees no reason to change it.

Rather than wasting his time completely, he taps Paul on the shoulder. It’s been a while since the last time he bothered him so he’s allowed to, he decides. “Hey Paul?”

Paul doesn’t seem too invested in whatever graph he’s looking at (working on? Ted will be real, he has no idea what exactly Paul does and it’s not that he doesn’t care about Paul, he just doesn’t care about graphs), because he turns around to look at him almost immediately. “Yes?”

“How did that date of yours go last night?”

“Ugh.” Paul throws his head back and it’s not hard to tell that he isn’t too enthusiastic about his love life, which is exactly why Ted finds it amusing to remind him of it. “It was awful.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me about it.” It’s funny, getting invested in someone else’s love life, because there’s no actual consequences, which is something Ted can appreciate. The most awful thing in the world he can think of is having to deal with his ex, but she luckily lives in Clyvesdale so he doesn’t see her often.

Paul on the other hand? Paul is perfectly content not being in love with anyone. He likes taking dating at his own speed and after his last crush – which didn’t end horribly, Emma (the awful barista who Ted is pretty sure he’s seen spit in his coffee before, but whatever) and Paul are friends now – he’s not really been into anyone. At least he hasn’t told Ted, which (in Ted’s opinion) is pretty much the same thing.

And he doesn’t mind being single and not getting laid because he’s boring or whatever, but he’s thirty now and Ted knows how his parents and sister can be. No, not can be. Are. They keep setting him up on blind days and they keep enlisting his friends to do the same thing. He’s tired of it and he just wants to be left alone and Ted is never going to tell him that he’s the one who convinced Mrs. Matthews that Bethany, who Ted often grabs drinks with and who also happens to work for Greenpeace and who always bothers Paul after work because he never fucking gives, was the perfect candidate for last night’s date.

It is like it is most days at the office. Paul tells Ted about his life, which is mostly boring outside of these stupid blind dates his family and friends keep setting him up with. Ted listens, but occasionally holds up a hand that tells Paul to shut up, so he can quickly unmute his microphone and half-heartedly answer whatever question comes from the other side of his phone call. Then Paul talks a bit more and then Ted unmutes his microphone once more.

“Yeah, that’s definitely a problem with your router,” he tells Sherman. “We can’t help you with that, no. Yeah, goodbye.”

When Ted hangs up and is done rolling his eyes, Paul finishes his story. “And she had the audacity to ask for a second date. It was awful. I wasted my money on that dinner  _ and  _ on making a donation to Greenpeace in return for her not to ever call me again. At this point I’m considering just telling them I have a partner so they’ll stop setting me up on awful blind dates.”

“Sounds awful, dude.” Yeah, there’s no way Ted’s telling him the truth about who set up that date. No fucking way. “But I support your plan. Hey, do you wanna go grab some coffee with me? At Beanie’s, I could use some fresh air.”

“Sure thing.” He shuts down his computer and the two of them make their way towards the elevator. Ted turns to say something to Paul while they walk and suddenly, Paul points behind him. “Watch out!”

Ted truly tries to watch out, but by the time he’s facing the right direction, he’s already walked straight into someone. He takes a step back and is about to start apologizing, but then he realizes that he didn’t walk straight into just someone. He walked straight into Charlotte.

“Oh, fuck no. What are you doing here?” She looks about as surprised as him and she opens her mouth to answer, but Ted continues before she has the chance. “Actually, don’t answer that. Come on, Paul, we’re leaving.”

Melissa puts an arm around Charlotte and that’s a bad sign, because they’re supposed to get a new employee on their floor today and Melissa’s supposed to show them around and the last thing Ted wants is for their new coworker to be Charlotte, so he just hopes Melissa and Charlotte are secretly friends and that she’s going to be gone once he gets back.

On their way down in the elevator, Paul asks him about what just happened. “Do you know her or something?”

And all Ted can do is nod. “Yep.” He doesn’t want to elaborate, but Paul gives him a look and he knows he’ll have to. It’s fine. It’s whatever. He just rolls his eyes and sighs very loudly before. “So you know how I mentioned having an ex? That was her.”

“No way.”

“Yes way.” Ted sighs once again. Charlotte being here is really the last thing he wants. “Sadly. God, I wish she wasn’t here. And God, I hope she’s not going to continue being here, but that’d be just my luck, huh?”

Paul gives him a sympathetic pat on the back before the elevator opens. Then they make their way towards Beanie’s.

Emma’s at work, which is probably the best possible scenario. She doesn’t even ask them what they want, but starts getting to work on a black coffee for Paul and a chai iced tea as soon as they step inside. She knows them and perhaps a bit too well, but Ted really doesn’t mind.

He slides money over the counter and pays for both of them and Paul tells him not to, but Ted brushes him off. It really doesn’t matter much who pays for who at this point in their friendship and especially not for something like coffee.

“So… that was your ex?” Paul doesn’t have to bring it up again, but he does.

Ted can’t say he’s thankful. “That was my ex.”

“What’s her name?”

“Charlotte.”

“And you guys broke up how long ago?”

He shrugs. “Like a year ago? I don’t know, how long has it been since I moved back to Hatchetfield?”

“That was in January, so nine months.” He’s happy Paul remembers these things, because he sure as hell doesn't.

Emma puts down their respective drinks and after concluding that there’s no one else around to serve, she leans over the counter and joins in. “What are you two talking about?”

“Nothing,” Ted says.

“Ted’s ex,” Paul says at the same time.

It makes Ted glare at him while he shakes his head. “Dude!”

“Wait, Ted has an ex? Theodore himself has been in a relationship? Tedderino has been devoted to another human person? Tedderoni h–”

“You’re awful, I hate you and I hope you die.” Ted smiles at Emma, but it’s the annoyed kind of smile that rather than warmth radiates annoyance.

It only makes Emma smile back, but her smile is smug and Ted doesn’t just think it’s awful: He knows it is. “Tell me about her.”

He doesn’t want to, but Emma is persistent and Paul is to no help. He ends up giving her the short story: He forgot their anniversary and went out drinking with his coworkers instead of spending the night at home with her, she said it was fine but it wasn’t. She forgot the anniversary of his mother's death and didn’t come home when he asked her to, but never told him why. He said it was fine but it wasn’t. They ended up deciding breaking up was probably the right thing to do and pretended they could be friends for a while, but then he found out she was already in a new relationship a week after they broke up from a mutual friend and with that, the friendship was quickly over.

“That sucks.” Emma chimes in.

Ted just shrugs. “I guess it does.” It’s a lie. He doesn’t ‘guess it does’. He knows it does, he lived through it. But he much prefers pretending to be totally casual about it to letting Emma know he has experienced anything but utter bliss. “Anyway, Paul.” He turns to face the friend he’s actually cares about. “Wanna come sit with me at a table and leave the barista to do her job?”

Emma shouts after him that he sucks and it’s fine, it’s whatever. She’s always like this and he respects that about her (or at least he accepts it). Then he and Paul get settled by their usual table, which is the one in the corner by the window.

Something appears to him while they chat about nothing over coffee and tea. It’s a horrible idea and on top of that, it’s stupid too. But it’s a plan. “Hey Paul?”

“Mmhmm?”

“If Charlotte’s really going to be working with us, can you do me a favor?”

Paul raises an eyebrow at him. It’s like he’s catching on that  _ something  _ is happening in Ted’s brain and that that something is something stupid. “It really depends on the favor.”

“Want to pretend to be in a relationship with me?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Pretty please?”

“No. Not happening.”


	2. Yeah, we're totally a thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who let ted do anything and why does paul put up with him? these are not questions that will be answered in this chapters, but if anyone knows hmu ok

After coffee, they make their way back to the office and Ted finds himself in the unfortunate situation of having to face the fact that not only is Charlotte sitting at a table without Melissa around, which means she’s absolutely their new coworker, but she’s sitting at the table right next to Paul’s.

That means – at least in Ted’s understanding of how the universe works – that he now no longer can distract himself from his own boring job by looking over Paul’s shoulder, because that’ll be way too close to Charlotte and that’s dangerous business.

His mission very quickly becomes to avoid her and to avoid talking to her. Considering the fact that he’s her ex too, it turns out not to be that hard. They both politely walk the other way if a situation where communication could arise looks like it could happen and Ted appreciates that about her.

Then Friday rolls around and it’s the second Friday of the month, which Ted’s completely forgotten until Bill reminds them all that they’re going for drinks after work. It’s a tradition he’s started because the second Friday of the month means Alice has gone off to Clyvesdale this morning and that Bill doesn’t want to be alone.

“I’m going to skip out this time,” Ted whispers to Paul after having leaned in close to him.

Paul just shakes his head. “No you’re not.”

And while Ted doesn’t like admitting it to himself, Paul is right. There’s no way he’s skipping because that’ll mean one thing: Charlotte will have won. Now, Ted’s twenty eight and the idea of winning a breakup perhaps shouldn’t be important to him but it is. And these are his friends and his coworkers, so he’s going to show her that he’s cool and that he’s totally completely over her and doesn’t think about her at all.

It’s a good plan in theory. Then Charlotte actually walks up to talk to him and it’s suddenly the worst idea he’s ever had in his life. “Hi Ted,” she starts off and while it seems innocent enough, he doesn’t trust it one bit. “How have you been?”

“Good, good. I’ve been good. How about you?” Ted’s completely forgotten how to act casual and he hopes it doesn’t show.

Charlotte talks about her life for a bit and Ted almost listens. Most of all, he listens to his own thoughts about what she’s saying and isn’t that good enough? He decides that it is. Then she asks him something that manages to bring him back to reality just from how absurd it is to hear her saying it. “So… you seeing anyone?”

It’s maybe a completely normal thing to ask your ex, because he’s been wanting to ask her too, just to know how things are and to know if he’s won or not. And like, sure, he’s probably not won because she allegedly saw someone new already a week after they broke up and whatever, but that was probably a rebound thing so he doesn’t count it for much.

His brain ends up concluding that it doesn’t matter what he says and as a result, the words that leave his mouth are words he regrets immediately. “Yeah I am, actually. It is a very new relationship, but I am seeing someone.”

Charlotte looks surprised and Ted wishes she was the only one, but he can see Bill leaning away from his conversation with Vera from HR to listen in on their conversation as well now.

“Oh?” Charlotte says, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, that’s great. I’m happy for you.”

“Yeah, me too.” Why does anyone allow him to speak ever? Why doesn’t he stop himself before this goes too far? He concludes that maybe it’s because he’s an idiot and then he concludes that he’s probably right about that.

Bill leans back into his conversation, but Ted can still see him eyeing them every now and again. And Charlotte? Charlotte keeps asking questions. “Who’s the lucky woman?”

“Man, actually.”

Ted can hear Paul sigh behind him and it makes him smile, just a little bit, because that means Paul knows where he’s going. Luckily, it means that he’s in on it too. He wraps his arms around Ted from behind and rests his head on his shoulder and Ted feels confident in their ability to sell this. “Hey. Ted’s boyfriend.”

“No way.” It’s Bill. Bill’s now completely gone from his chat with Vera and he’s standing next to Charlotte’s chair, looking very intensely at the two ‘boyfriends’. “No way. This is a joke right?”

Ted shakes his head and he can feel Paul doing so as well. “Why would it be a joke?” He raises an eyebrow and leans back a bit, which only causes Bill’s eyes to widen even further.

“How long has this been going on?” God, Ted wishes more than anything that Bill would stop asking questions he doesn’t have the answer to.

Luckily, Paul steps in. “Not very long, don’t worry. We only had the talk, what, two weeks ago?”

“Three,” Ted chimes in. “It’s Friday, so that makes it three weeks now.” He puts up his hand and Paul reluctantly high fives him. Ted’s lucky he has a friend like Paul who backs his bullshit up.

Charlotte awkwardly excuses herself from the conversation and Ted appreciates it. It makes him relax a bit more. It also makes Paul take a step away from him and instead stand next to him as Bill continues asking annoying questions that perhaps they should have seen coming from pulling a stunt like this at a place like this, but somehow completely forgot about. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Bill.” Ted puts a hand on his coworker's shoulder. “We didn’t tell you because we knew you’d get like this. Sorry.”

Bill spends the rest of the evening talking to them and while he does have a few more questions about their relationship, he eventually progresses into talking about Alice and about how much he misses her and how much he doesn’t miss her girlfriend instead.

When it’s time to go home, Paul decides to walk Ted home. Ted tells him that he  _ really  _ doesn’t have to, but Paul insists and thus, one of the most awkward walks through town Ted’s ever experienced ensues.

It’s when Ted’s door is closed behind them he starts talking again. “So… what was that about?”

“I panicked.”

“You panicked?”

Ted nods. “Yep.”

“Why did you pull me down with you?”

“I didn’t. I was just going to make up a boyfriend on the spot. You didn’t have to step in.”

“You’re an idiot.” Ted nods again because Paul’s right. “How long are we going to keep this up?”

Ted shrugs. “I don’t know. Until it feels like a good time to end it? But a while, pretty please? A month long relationship doesn’t scream ‘I won’ to me.”

And while Paul does sigh loudly, he also says that Ted’s probably right about that. He also tells Ted how bad of an idea he thinks this is. Ted’s pretty sure he’s never heard anyone say ‘ _ I can’t believe we’re doing this _ ’ so many times during one night.

But Paul agrees to it. As long as Ted isn’t awful about it, Paul agrees to it. And what more could he ask for?

Monday comes around and Ted decides that there’s no harm in making Monday a regular day. Just because he and Paul are apparently dating now doesn’t mean he should act differently around him, right?

Wrong.

He’s sitting in his chair on the phone with a customer right behind Paul and overlooking what Paul is doing, which is a lot of numbers, and then Charlotte walks by and he realizes that just a little bit of effort is going to sell their whole situation much better.

So when lunch time rolls around, Ted leans over Paul’s shoulder. “Hey babe. How do you feel about Beanie’s for lunch? My treat.”

Paul tries his best to act like this is normal for them. “Sure… sure, that sounds good.” Then he saves whatever he’s doing before getting up. He lets Ted hold his hand on their way from his desk to the elevator, but he lets go as soon as the doors close. “So… My parents tried to set me up on another blind date over the weekend.”

“Oh?”

“Oh.” Paul sighs. “I stole your idea and told them that I’m actually kind of seeing someone. It worked, so thank you for that I guess.”

“You’re welcome.” Ted winks at him.

It just makes Paul roll his eyes. “I’m hoping it won’t become necessary, but just know that I’m throwing you under the bus with me if they ever ask questions.”

Ted’s about to complain. He wants to tell Paul that he can’t just do that, that he knows Mr. and Mrs. Matthews too well for this and that’s it’s completely unfair, but then he realizes that he’s put Paul in a situation where he has to pretend to be dating Ted every day at work so he shuts up.

“Also, we’re telling Emma,” Paul tells him once they’re already in front of Beanie’s.

Ted starts shaking his head. “No we’re not.”

But Paul’s not about to argue with him on that one. “Fine. Then  _ I’m  _ telling Emma. Either way, she’s getting told. I refuse to let you be the only other person who’s in on what’s happening.”

They end up telling Emma together, because Ted can’t stay in his own lane and he ends up commenting on what Paul’s saying as he’s saying it. And he supposes it’s not the worst possible outcome. He’s so used to sharing his bullshit with Paul and now that Paul is part of his bullshit, the idea of having someone else – no matter how annoying – is honestly rather nice.


	3. Paul's an awful kisser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> watched black friday with my friends today. every time jon showed up i said either "he!" or "i love jon matteson". idk why they put up with me but i appreciate them. i also appreciate jon matteson. thank you for coming to my ted talk

For a long time, Ted and Paul manage to pretend to be in a committed and exclusive relationship with each other without having to kiss. It’s not that hard, because they work in an office and they both have some sense of professionalism in them.

Like, sure, Ted’s chair is almost always parked right behind Paul, but his job allows him to not be at his desk at all times and there’s nothing wrong or unprofessional about it, because he’s not making out with his ‘boyfriend’ at the office and it’s fine.

And yeah, there’s the occasional Friday-after-work drinks, but no one else is off kissing each other at those so there’s no reason for Paul and Ted to kiss either. Like, sure. No one else is a couple, but who cares. The office _knows_ Paul. He’s not a PDA kind of guy. That certainly helps out their no kisses situation as well.

Today is a Friday-after-work drinks kind of day and of course Ted’s said yes to go. Unfortunately for Paul, who’s expressed just wanting to go home all day, he feels like that means he should come as well.

“Absolutely not,” Ted tells him. They’re just outside the office building and Bill, among other people hitting the bar (Charlotte is one of them and Ted hates that), are just a few feet away. So to sell their obviously very real status as people in a relationship (with each other, that is), Ted takes Paul’s face and holds it between his hands. “I’ll be alright without you. I’ll miss you, but I’ll be alright.”

He’s lying. He knows that, Paul knows that. Their coworkers don’t need to know that. So when Paul agrees not to go, Ted kisses him goodbye. Not on the lips, fuck no. He just leaves a quick kiss on Paul’s cheek before he says goodbye and goes to rejoin the group.

The rest of the evening, he spends dodging Bill’s awful questions by listening to Melissa’s weekend plans and getting tipsy instead. A very fine looking woman walks into the bar and Ted has to remind himself that he, in this company, has a boyfriend and cannot just go hit on her and it’s very painful, so painful in fact that Melissa’s rambling isn’t enough to keep him there.

He excuses himself and goes home.

Paul continues telling him that he hopes he’ll never have to introduce him to his parents as his boyfriend, but a month and a half month passes and Paul continues telling them he’s in a relationship, so when Thanksgiving hits they insist he brings this boyfriend over.

And Ted? Well, Ted’s dad lives in Florida now and he luckily doesn't expect him to fly all the way to Florida for Thanksgiving, so Ted has no plans until he does.

“Hey babe,” Paul says as Ted rolls up behind him. They’re at the office which kind of explains the babe. Ted uses it in almost every sentence and Paul uses it when there’s something he wants. “My parents are asking if you want to come over for Thanksgiving?”

There’s no way Paul doesn’t know that his answer is no. He doesn’t want to and he’s expressed how excited he is to be spending Thanksgiving alone for once to Paul in private or at Beanie’s, which he considers a safe zone despite Emma’s existence.

Right now, they’re in public. They’re in public and Ted knows that it’s time for him to pay up. So he smiles. “Yeah, sure. That sounds lovely.”

Ted tells himself that lovely is very far off from what it sounds, but then Thanksgiving actually hits and he realizes that Paul hasn’t told his family that he’s dating _him_. Okay, he doesn’t ‘realize’ it, Paul tells him, but it’s almost the same thing and the result is the same.

Mr. and Mrs. Matthews are lovely people and Ted already knows how to charm them. At least he kind of knows. He has an idea. He also knows that the shock factor of _him_ being Paul’s partner is going to be adding some worth to his evening so it’s not too bad, he decides.

They decide to go together, because Paul doesn’t live at his parents’ house and they are pretending to be a couple, after all.

The car ride is pretty quiet, save for Ted’s attempt at singing along to the radio at the beginning of it, which resulted in Paul turning off the radio and telling him that watching people sing makes him very uncomfortable (and while Ted doesn’t totally _get_ it, he does try to respect it).

“So are you ready for this?” Paul asks him once they’re out of the car and standing on the sidewalk outside his parents’ place.

Ted nods. “I think the real question is if you’re ready?” Paul shakes his head no and Ted tells him he figured. Then he spots Mrs. Matthews in the door. “Paul? I’m going to need you to kiss me,” he whispers.

“Why?”

It’s a sales tactic. A way of convincing them that this is, in fact, real. It’s not that they have made any moves that would indicate otherwise, but back when Ted first met Charlotte’s parents he kissed her before they went in to calm his nerves and while he has absolutely no nerves right now, he does think it’s better than not.

Not that he says any of that. He just pulls Paul in for a kiss and… yikes.

It’s not that Paul is a _bad_ kisser, it’s just that he absolutely is. There’s no feeling or emotion in the way Paul kisses him, it’s just a stiff and uncomfortable peck. And yeah, Ted gets it. It’s their first time kissing and they’re not into each other. But still! They’re a team! He can’t believe Paul isn’t putting in the effort.

But it’s whatever. His parents can’t see how bad he is at kissing and if Ted just smiles and pretends like that was comfortable for all parts involved, they’ll be none the wiser. So that’s exactly what he does. Then he wraps an arm around Paul’s waist and leads him up to the door.

“Mrs. Matthews!” He exclaims once they get to the door. He lets go of Paul to instead hug his mother. “Good to see you again, it’s been a while, huh? How’s yoga?”

“Ted!” She looks surprised and like she didn’t expect her son’s boyfriend Ted to be _him_ Ted, but Ted’s not going to let anything like that bother him, especially not because it takes about five seconds for her confusion to turn into happiness. Then she starts talking about yoga and he just knows they’re off to the beginning of a good night.

It’s really not as horrible as he initially thought it would be and Ted leaves the Matthews residence with a kiss from Mrs. Matthews fresh on his cheek, which makes Paul roll his eyes which makes Ted smile as they walk to his car.

“That went pretty well, wouldn’t you say?” He says once they get into the car.

Paul shrugs. “I guess it did. I didn’t expect them to like you that much, which I now realize sounds stupid. They’ve never not liked you.” Once they’re out on the road, Ted puts his hand on Paul’s knee, which makes him look at Ted with a raised eyebrow. “What are you doing?”

“Practicing.”

“Practicing?” Paul repeats. Ted nods in return. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“We’re pretending we’re in a committed relationship, right?” Now it’s Paul’s turn to nod. “Well, there’s literally no way we’re selling that if you’re going to be uncomfortable around the fact that we’re participating in some slightly-more-than-friendly touching.”

“Oh…” Paul turns his head to look out of the window for a bit, then he starts nodding to himself. “Okay… okay… yeah, okay. I guess that makes sense. I can do this.”

“Good, because we’re practicing kissing as soon as we get out of this car.”

“We?” Paul is back to looking shocked and Ted gets it. He doesn’t acknowledge it, but he gets it. “You’re dropping me off. Why are _we_ getting out of the car?”

Ted shakes his head a bit. “I guess it doesn’t have to be right now, but I figured we might as well get it over with. We can wait, I guess, but if you’re going to be all weird and stiff next time we kiss, I’d much rather get that out of the way where no one can see us.”

Paul says that he would much rather do it another day. He needs some time to process and come to terms with the fact that their relationship now also includes kissing. Ted says he doesn’t mind and then he gives Paul an awkward half-hug while both of them are still inside the car, before Paul jumps out and goes up to his apartment.

By the time weekend hits, Paul is ready. He lets Ted know at work and since Ted doesn’t really have plans this weekend, he agrees. It’s not the worst thing he could be doing with his Friday night and he promises Paul to not make it awful.

Lunch break comes around and Ted decides to head for Beanie’s. Alone. He leaves a bit early because he’s an asshole who can’t get another conversation in before then anyway, so there’s no one else from the office there when he gets there.

Emma’s at work, however, and it’s enough to make him roll his eyes. “Hi there, Teddory. What can I get you?”

He orders a chai iced tea for himself, because that’s what he feels like he needs. Then he buys a black coffee – nothing in it, no cream, no sugar, no nothing, just a black coffee. Because sure, Paul might be boring, but he’s pretending to be Paul’s boyfriend and a boyfriend would remember his awfully boring coffee order, so that’s what Ted does.

When Emma asks him if it’s for Paul, he puts his middle finger up. She responds by doing the same. Then they nod at each other, Ted takes the drinks and he exits the coffee shop and heads back towards the office.

On his way, he runs into Melissa and not just Melissa. Melissa and Charlotte. Melissa stops him and she too asks if the second drink is for Paul, though she asks it in a less teasing way than Emma so he doesn’t mind saying yes. “That’s super cute. Speaking of super cute, there’s this thing on TV about dogs tonight. Do you want to come over and watch it with me?”

He does and he’s sure Paul wouldn’t mind him cancelling, but Charlotte is right there in front of him so he just smiles at them (mostly Melissa, Charlotte doesn’t deserve a smile) as he shakes his head. “Sorry, I can't make it. I have plans with Paul tonight.”

“Lame.” Melissa rolls his eyes at him and Ted just shrugs. He totally agrees with her, it is lame. Or at least it would be if they were actually dating. They’re not dating, though, and maybe he can convince Paul that they should watch a weird show about dogs once they’re done learning how to make out without looking like it’s the worst feeling on planet earth.

“That’s what it’s like having a boyfriend, I guess.”


	4. Paul's an alright kisser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought this title progression was good okay

Stepping into Paul’s apartment feels like he’s suddenly eighteen and about to have his very first hookup with a stranger all over again and Ted knows that’s not  _ his  _ fault. He’s cool, calm and collected because he knows how little kissing means and how little kissing changes things.

Paul, on the other hand, seems to be filled with nervous energy and it is changing their entire dynamic (that being a dynamic where both of them are dumbasses, but at least they’re dumbasses who know where they have each other). Right now, it feels like Paul is the only dumbass in here.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Ted says as he hangs up his jacket and leaves his shoes in the entrance. He knows Paull will hate him if he doesn’t do so and that’s the last thing he needs right now.

Paul shakes his head. “No… no, it’s fine. It’s just… it’s just  _ weird _ , you know?”

“Not really, no.” He figures there’s no use in being dishonest. They’re friends, Paul knows him. “It’s just kissing. I respect that you think it’s weird, but I wouldn’t say I get it or that I know.”

Ted watches as Paul quietly tries to make up his mind. It’s a mostly uninteresting process, in which Paul looks around a lot and mindlessly moves around the knot of his tie. Then he nods to himself and turns to face Ted again. “Okay. Okay, let’s just… let’s get this over with!”

Part of Ted wants to do more than he should, more than he needs to. He wants to  _ properly  _ kiss Paul, because that’s what they should get used to in his opinion (and because it’s far more interesting).

Instead, he goes for something that’ll probably be easier for Paul to work with considering that they’re just getting used to this. He places his hand on the back of Paul’s head, gently letting his fingers bury themselves in his hair as Ted pulls him closer. He gives Paul a calm and reassuring smile, before pulling him all the way in for the kiss. 

Now it’s not really a proper kiss in Ted’s opinion, but he also can’t really write it off as just a peck. It’s something in between and it’s a start, which is really all they need. He pulls back and opens his eyes so he can look at Paul again. He has no plans of removing his hand, so he doesn’t. “Was that horrible or are we alright?”

Paul narrows his eyes and presses his lips together as he avoids answering the question for a little while. He eventually sighs and gets around to answering. “We’re alright. And I guess it wasn’t too horrible.”

Ted smiles. “So only a little bit horrible?”

“Only a little bit.” There’s a small smile forming on Paul’s lips and it’s comforting. It means they’re on some kind of right path.

“I can work with that.” Ted considers taking a step back. They could practice kissing somewhere far more comfortable. They could be sitting down. Hell, they could be  _ laying  _ down if they wanted to. But he supposes they should take it one step at a time. “I think the next step is for you to kiss me.”

While Paul doesn’t completely look like he agrees, he does eventually end up working with Ted’s idea. He places a hand on Ted’s back and when he attempts to pull him a little closer, Ted corporates. He also kisses back when Paul leans in and connects their lips, because he’s not an asshole.

And when Paul pulls back way too early, he pulls him right back in for another kiss because he is a little bit of an asshole anyway. Or maybe because he isn’t? At least that’s what he tells himself. Paul’s going to have to get used to this if they’re going to be kissing anyway, so introducing it early on is totally the nicer thing to do, he decides.

“Was that necessary?” Paul asks once they break apart from the kiss again. Ted just nods and tells him that it was, which Paul seems to accept because he shrugs and finally starts taking off his own shoes and jacket. “Wanna…. Wanna join me on the couch or something?”

“Sure.” Ted pats his back in the most bro-like way he’s capable of. “Lead the way!” Sadly, he’s been in Paul’s apartment before and Paul isn’t that fast at leading the way, so when Ted picks up his speed and Paul doesn’t keep up, he ends up being the one leading the way and that’s probably fine too.

“So. What do you want to do?”

Ted shrugs. “I dunno. Watch a TV show or something? Netflix has some great shows for playing in the background while you make out with someone.”

“And you’re sure that’s the way to go? Like, do we really need to practice kissing? We can’t just improvise?”

“I mean, sure we can. But… Try kissing me, I’d like to just demonstrate something.” Paul looks at him with a raised eyebrow, but Ted just shrugs and gestures for him to get it over with.

He sighs and leans in to kiss him, but rather than reciprocate, Ted intentionally freezes up and it results in Paul very quickly giving up. “Alright. Fine. Fair point.”

“Thank you. People don’t appreciate me enough around here.” Ted rolls his eyes, but it’s mostly lovingly. Paul is his friend and most likely his best one, but he’s a bit of an idiot sometimes. “Now hand me your remote and I’ll find us something to pretend we’re watching. Or something to watch while we pretend we’re making out, whichever you prefer.”

Maybe he shouldn’t be surprised, but Paul actually hands him the remote without making anymore comments and a few clicks later, some mindless sitcom is playing on Paul’s TV in the background.

Now, Ted isn’t the proudest man in the world, but that’s whatever. He doesn’t have a lot of shame and he’ll be the first to admit that he’s imagined sleeping with or at least making out with a lot of his friends and close acquaintances before. But not Paul. Never Paul.

And maybe it’s because he’s his friend, but Ted goes a little soft on him at first. He lets him be a coward and take things slow for the first few minutes, but then Ted finds himself growing bored and he accidentally (okay, a lie, it’s very much intentional, but if Paul asks he’ll say accidentally) finds himself implementing some of the moves he usually uses when he actually tries to go from making out to hooking up with someone.

Turns out, Paul’s not actually  _ that  _ bad of a kisser. He just needs a little time to get going and get comfortable and nothing wrong with that.

He’s especially proud when Paul lets him slide into his lap without even breaking their kiss. But at that point, he feels so pulled along with the whole making out with Paul thing that he’s completely forgotten the Netflix show that’s running behind them. It’s as it should be.

And hey, sometimes unfortunate things happen, but Ted and Paul are both adults and they’re good enough friends to politely not acknowledge that boners are a thing as Ted crawls back out of Paul’s lap and they actually start watching whatever Netflix show it is he put on with great intensity.

Ted can’t imagine himself being in a situation like this with literally anyone else, but when he does the mental exercise he’s pretty sure that this would have been enough to make him walk out. Well, either that or he would probably have tried to hook up with them, but after that he’d definitely have walked out. And maybe it’s because he and Paul are actually really good friends or maybe it’s because Ted thinks it’s kind of funny to see Paul trying to navigate the slightly awkward situation they’ve found themselves in, but Ted sticks around. He orders them takeout for dinner and he sticks around and eventually, the awkwardness disappears.

It turns out that perhaps their hard work paid off. Sure, some time passes before it becomes relevant, but it does become relevant and Ted’s so happy they’ve done it before and that he doesn’t have to work with a completely stiff and uncomfortable Paul.

Mr. Davidson thinks it’s a good idea for the office to have a Christmas dinner. Which is fine, Ted can work with that. Or at least he thinks he can –especially because Mr. Davidson has been nice enough to seat him and Paul next to each other – until he realizes that right on the other side of the table from him, Charlotte’s sitting. And right opposite of Paul is Sam.

Sam’s a great person. He’s a cop, he’s grown up in Hatchetfield where she now lives with him and he’s a wonderful boyfriend, from what Charlotte manages to tell them within the first ten minutes of them sitting there.

Bill sits closeby and he asks them how long they’ve been together.

“We started dating last fall, so just over a year,” Sam says with a smile. He looks directly at Ted when he says it and that makes it so much worse.

Not only does that mean that this is the guy Charlotte cheated on him with. It also means that she was willing to move to Hatchetfield for him, which she never once considered doing for Ted.  _ As someone born and raised in Clyvesdale, that is the last thing I want,  _ she would always say. Apparently not.

Charlotte’s still the one who’s winning the breakup. Charlotte’s still so far ahead that Ted doesn't think he’ll ever catch up. Because while she’s moving in with this new boyfriend and telling everyone how much she loves him, Ted’s faking a relationship with his kind of best friend and coworker.

At least Paul holds his hand and lets him squeeze it whenever Charlotte and her boyfriend says anything particularly awful. At least Paul comes with flirty remarks and tries his best to seem just as interested in him as Charlotte seems in Sam. At least Paul pulls him away from the rest of the dinner when Charlotte and Sam start making out to pretend like that’s what they’re doing as well.

And sure, it’s about to go all sorts of wrong when Charlotte and Sam make their way to Ted and Paul’s safe spot (they’ve parked right by the entrance to the toilets because there’s no traffic compared to other areas of the venue), but they don’t. And that’s all thanks to Paul.

Because Paul’s a true friend, as well as a saviour. He grabs Ted’s face and pulls him in for a full-on makeout session when he sees them coming and Ted is both impressed and thankful.

Fuck, it sucks that they’re here, but fuck, it’s nice that Paul is as well.


	5. The nightmare during Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me writing anything: hmm might fuck around and add a christmas chapter

December is an awful, awful month and Ted hates it with burning passion.

He’s so used to always being able to make fun of Paul for his severe overuse of Christmas sweaters (if it was up to Ted, Christmas sweaters were a thing of the past, but it’s not and that still doesn’t mean a single man should own one for every single day of December. Like seriously: What the fuck, Paul?), so it’s incredibly weird having to pretend they’re endearing when he knows in his heart that they’re disgusting and, quite frankly, a disgrace.

Okay, so maybe he’s not the best actor in the world and maybe self-control is not his strongest character trait, but he decides that that’s alright. If he doesn’t at least somewhat tease Paul, how is anyone going to believe their relationship is real anyway?

Every single day of December, Ted rolls up to Paul’s desk. He comes with a smart comment about how dumb his sweater looks and Paul gives him this smile that he hasn’t quite been able to figure out what means just yet, but he just _knows_ it can’t be good.

Finally on December 10th, he decides that he can’t take it anymore. “Okay, seriously d–” Not dude, he reminds himself. Babe. “ _Babe_. What’s that whole thing about?”

“What whole thing?” Paul’s still smiling. What a jerk.

Ted points directly to the smile. “That. I don’t trust it. What’s it about?”

“Oh. Nothing.”

Ted asks a few more times, because of course he does. When he finally gives up, Paul puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles at him, this time a very different kind of smile. It’s more… _loving?_ Ted doesn’t have a better way of describing it, but when Charlotte moments later walk up and ask Paul if she can use the stabler the softness of the look suddenly makes more sense.

While she’s walking away, Paul asks him if he’d like to spend Christmas with the Matthews’. They’re going to Colorado over the holidays on a mini vacation and Paul’s parents have asked him to invite Ted.

Had Charlotte not been in earshot, there’s a big chance Ted would have tried to argue with Paul on this, but instead he just says yes. He’d _love_ to come with the Matthews’ to Colorado more than anything.

They’re staying in a lodge. It’s not too big, but it’s not too small either. It’s _cozy_ and it’s friendly looking. There’s only two glaring problems with the whole situation. One, Ted’s staying there with them for four whole days and two, he’s sharing a bedroom with a double bed with Paul while he’s there.

Oh, and then there’s the whole them having to pretend that they’re in a relationship constantly while they’re there thing. That’s an issue too.

Actually, there’s a whole heap of issues now that Ted thinks about it (and who cares if ‘now that he thinks about it’ happens to be a whole five minutes after they’ve arrived?). Why the hell did he agree to this in the first place? Sure, Paul is a friend and one of the best ones, but is he really worth suffering through all this for?

His conscious reminds him that Paul suffers through a milder version of this every single day at work and lies to his quote unquote _best friend_ Bill about his relationship status for Ted not have to deal with Charlotte (who haven’t been too big of a bother, partly thanks to Paul he suspects, but damn, she really went off and made the man she cheated on him with her boyfriend, huh? That bitch). Then his brain suppresses that reminder because God knows he doesn’t need that kind of negativity in his life. He’s allowed to complain if he so pleases.

Both Mr. and Mrs. Matthews are wearing Christmas sweaters and, of course, so is Paul. It’s like his own little nightmare on planet earth, but instead of being rude and commenting on it (which he realizes obviously doesn’t _have_ to be rude, but he knows himself and if he opens his mouth, it’ll be far from pretty), he smiles. He keeps smiling and then he backs into Paul and his bedroom to start unpacking.

Something at the back of his mind is telling him that these people have done something unspeakable. Something vile and disgusting. It’s nothing but a suspicion at this point, but he does fear that he might be right. He fears that the Matthews are exactly like Paul and that there are plenty more Christmas sweaters to come. And while Ted usually likes being right, this is one of those rare occasions where he would like not to.

Paul doesn’t knock on the door. That makes sense, they’re boyfriends and it’s his room too. Why would he knock? He does close the door after him, however, and Ted appreciates that. “Hey you.” He gives a weak, mostly awkward but very on-brand for Paul smile and joins Ted on the bed. “My parents are about to head out to rent some skis. I’ve been tasked with asking if you want to join. Do you?”

“No, not in particular.” He shakes his head and lays down on the bed. “Last time I went skiing, I broke my collar bone. That shit hurts. I ain’t going to risk that again anytime soon.”

It makes Paul nod understandingly. “I hear ya. Not that I’ve broken anything, but I did twist my knee skiing once. On the first day, actually. I didn’t enjoy that trip very much.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.” Ted laughs a little. Not _at_ Paul, per say, but more so at the situation.

It takes him a little time, a little more conversation and a little more being eased into it, but eventually Paul too lays down. Next to him, sure, but not super close to him. And he appreciates that, seeing that he has a sneaking suspicion they’re going to end up spending far too much time far too close to each other the next couple of days anyway.

They continue talking for a while. Then there’s a knock on the door, but it’s just Mrs. Matthews informing them that they’re heading out, so they’re soon left alone to continue talking.

About an hour later, Paul’s parents return home. It doesn’t make any of them leave the safety of their room, at least not until Mr. Matthews comes knocking and informs them that there’s hot chocolate.

“We better get out there,” Paul whispers. He waits for Ted to nod, then he gets up and even helps Ted up, which he appreciates.

There’s only three mugs of hot chocolate out there, which Ted finds a bit strange until he realizes that Paul’s no longer following closely behind him: He’s over by the coffee machine, pouring himself a cup. Then, suddenly, it makes a lot of sense, because why would Paul Matthews drink hot chocolate when he could have coffee?

Eventually, they’re all get settled by the table and Mrs. Matthews ominously places a bag on the table in front of Ted. Okay, maybe ‘ominously’ isn’t quite the right word. She’s smiling, she looks just as kind and welcoming as she always has. But Ted doesn’t trust this. “We got you a present.”

“Oh?” Ted raises an eyebrow, but tries his best to smile as well. “You didn’t have to. And it’s not even Christmas yet.”

“Well, this is the kind of present that is best enjoyed now,” Mr. Matthews chimes in. “And I know we didn’t have to, but you make our son happy. We wanted to.”

Paul rolls his eyes. “Dad!”

“What? It’s true.” Mr. Matthews sends a smile to Ted that’s so genuine it makes Ted want to throw up. He smiles back, sure, but yikes. “Come on. Open it.”

He opens the bag and peaks inside. Then he removes a sweater from the bag. A Christmas sweater. Not nearly as ugly as the one Paul’s wearing, but certainly not pretty either. To his disliking, there’s another one in there. It’s slightly uglier, but still not nearing Paul’s level. There’s an additional one down there. And one more. Four Christmas sweaters. Oh no. “Thank you!”

“Paul said you didn’t have any Christmas sweaters and, well, you know us. We love Christmas sweaters.” Mrs. Matthews looks lovingly at her husband, who’s still smiling. Nerds, the bunch of them.

Reluctantly, Ted ends up putting on one of the Christmas sweaters. He knows he doesn’t _have_ to, but he also knows Paul, his family and their relationship to Christmas sweaters. Being a Matthews is about looking ugly for an entire month, apparently, and Ted can act like he belongs for just four days, it’s _fine_.

“This is awful,” he tells Paul in a quiet whisper when they all get settled on the couch after hot chocolate. They’re sitting next to each other and they’re holding hands, which is enough. “Why didn’t you tell them I didn’t want a Christmas sweater? Because I know you knew I didn’t.”

It just makes Paul smile. He presses a kiss to the top of Ted’s hair, which just makes Ted narrow his eyes at him. “I actually told them you’d _love_ a Christmas sweater.”

“You’re awful,” Ted whispers as he lets go of Paul’s hand. He leans against Paul’s chest instead and decides that cuddling is a big enough punishment for making this happen. At least it’s only the Matthews who have to see him like this and they all look even dumber.

Paul laughs a little. Then he wraps an arm around Ted and shifts his attention to Home Alone.

The rest of those four days pass rather peacefully and Christmas with the Matthews isn’t all that awful (especially not if you ignore the sweaters, which Ted actively tries to almost every single second of his existence in Colorado). Maybe he’d even go as far as to say it’s _nice_ , but only maybe.

Mrs. Matthews has always liked him and she doesn’t stop. Ted might be a bit of an asshole from time to time (or almost always, it’s whatever), but he’s talented when it comes to charming moms. Not that it’s hard.

Paul and him go ice skating when Paul’s parents are off skiing one of the days. It’s a nice break from the lodge and from having to pretend to be in a committed, several month long relationship.

At night, Ted moves a respectful distance away from Paul, but on the morning of the final day, he finds himself waking up with Paul’s arm gently draped across of him. It’s nicer than he expects it to be, so he closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep for a while long.

There’s no way he’ll admit it to anyone, but it feels oddly strange to be alone with himself when he gets back home to his apartment.


	6. Sales meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> paul don't abandon your brain cell challenge

“How was Christmas time with the Matthews, Thetthew?” Emma asks him, as she hands over their orders.

Ted quickly looks around the coffee shop to make sure there’s no stray coworkers around. They’re safe, so he sighs loudly. “Just the worst. They made me wear Christmas sweaters, Edna. Four different fucking Christmas sweaters.”

“They did  _ make  _ you wear anything.” Paul rolls his eyes at him as he swoops by to pick up his own coffee. “You were the one who chose to put it on.”

“You were the one who chose to put it on,” Ted repeats back in a mocking tone, which only gets him a head shake from Paul. “But you’re right. They didn’t make me wear anything. You did.  _ You _ set this whole thing up.”

Paul takes the blame and Emma high fives him over the counter, before the two of them leave her alone for the day to go back to CCRP and hopefully finish work sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately, it’s one of those work days that really feels like it’s dragging out for no apparent reason. It’s not even one of those days where Mr. Davidson spends most of his day around them rather than in his own office, it’s just… long without a point and Ted hates it.

Just when he thinks it can’t get any worse, it gets worse. It goes from being boring, to just being straight up awful and all it takes is for Charlotte to return from her lunch break, not alone but with fucking  _ Sam _ of all people.

They’re holding hands and Sam makes eye contact with him, before smiling (or maybe smirking?) and leaning down to kiss Charlotte. It’s honestly gross and Ted hates it. He looks to Paul’s table, only to find him missing which absolutely does not make things better in any way, shape or form.

It makes him do something he never imagined he’d do, at least not willingly. He rolls his chair over to Bill’s table. “Hey, Billy boy.”

Bill sighs. “Please do not call me Billy boy.”

“Billy boy.” It’s Bill’s own fault that Ted’s repeating it, he decides. He could just have said nothing about it and Ted wouldn’t have been forced into this situation. “How’s it going? How’s life? Seen Paul recently?”

While Bill does open his mouth to answer him, he very quickly closes it again only to take his sweet time. He even rolls his eyes at him and Ted can’t really blame him. “Are you really here to talk to me about how things are going or do you just want to know where your boyfriend went?”

“Yeah, no I’m definitely here to figure out where Paul is.” He’d apologize, but he’s not sorry and he suspects Bill knows that as well.

With a sigh, Bill points towards the exit. “He went to get coffee from Beanie’s about fifteen minutes ago.”

“That bitch.”

“I’m sorry, did you just call your boyfriend a bitch?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Ted quickly thanks him and goes back to sit at his own table for a while. He sorts through some documents while impatiently eyeing the elevator every single time it opens.

The second Paul shows up, Ted’s out of his chair and on his way towards his ‘boyfriend’. “I’m so happy you’re back. I missed you.”

Paul seems surprised that Ted’s there. Or maybe he’s just surprised Ted’s being like this. It doesn’t really matter, he concludes, because Paul smiles and hands him a cup of what seems to be some kind of iced coffee. “I missed you too.”

Maybe his reason for missing Paul isn’t entirely pure, but at least he’s not lying. Not that he minds the fact that Paul’s lying. That’s what their whole fake relationship is about, he supposes. He did truly miss Paul and it’s not Charlotte’s fault. It’s Sam. Sam’s an asshole and Paul’s a much better new boyfriend, even if he’s fake.

Paul seems to spot something behind them and he puts on his thinking face for a moment, before leaning in to whisper something to Ted. “Sam and Charlotte bothering you?” Ted nods, so Paul pulls him two steps to the right. Then he opens the broom closet that’s now right behind them and pulls Ted inside it.

“Hey Paul, no offense but what are we doing here?” Ted whispers. It’s quite dark in there and when Paul lets go of him, Ted instinctually reaches out to hold onto him.

“We’re talking.” Paul’s also whispering and Ted appreciates it. “Plus, Sam and Charlotte were making their way towards here and I don’t trust Sam not to do something gross with her if we’d let them get in here.”

Ted unluckily knows Charlotte and in his experience, she’s absolutely not above broom closet sex. He doesn’t tell Paul that. “So you’re trying to save the broom closet from being the thing needing a cleanup?”

Paul laughs a little. “Actually, I was trying to save you from not having to be out in the office while your ex had sex with the guy she cheated on you with in here. Plus, you keep talking about how we have to ‘sell’ that we’re in a relationship, so I figured what better way than pretending we’re off making out?”

“That’s really sweet of you.” It is, Ted truly believes that. Paul’s the best fake partner he could ever dream of, but that’s because the only two other people he could imagine doing this with is Melissa, a known lesbian, and Emma (who’s not a known lesbian, but she is just straight up awful and Ted’s happy he’s not desperate enough to be in a situation where he has to pretend to be dating her). “Though to be fair, we went in here with coffee. I don’t think people will be expecting us to make out.”

It makes Paul go quiet and while Ted can’t see it, he’s sure he’s pulling his thinking face (he hates that he’s spent enough time around Paul to know what his thinking face looks like or to even know that he has one, but it’s also kind of adorable so he’s happy he knows anyway).

A few moments pass and Paul pulls out his phone from his pocket, only to light up the closet with his screen rather than his flashlight. He carefully places his drink on a shelf, then takes Ted’s drink and places it next to his own. “There we go.”

“There we go?” Ted raises an eyebrow. “This is supposed to make it better?”

Paul nods. Then he puts his phone back in his pocket and a few moments later, Ted can feel Paul’s hand on his shoulder. It’s nice to know where he has him, because it makes it a lot easier for Ted to push him against the back wall a few seconds later.

“What are you doing?” Paul whispers.

It makes Ted pull his face back a little bit, because he can feel Paul’s breath on his lips and while he doesn’t necessarily mind, they have no reason to make out and he doesn’t want to make things  _ too  _ weird. “Selling it.”

“Oh.” Paul’s hand moves from his shoulder to the back of his head. “Okay. Okay. We can sell it.”

Ted doesn’t stop him from pulling him in to a kiss, because now that they’ve figured out how to do it, it’s honestly not that bad. And by ‘honestly not that bad’, Ted means that it’s pretty fucking alright. Paul’s still not the world’s best kisser, but it’s nice. And Ted doesn’t mind nice, so he lets it happen for a few moments before he pulls away and laughs a little. “Cute. I was going to suggest we just mess up our hair and loosen our ties a bit, but this works.”

“And you couldn’t have told me before I kissed you?”

He knows Paul probably can’t see him, but he shakes his head anyway. “Absolutely not.” There’s no reason for him to kiss Paul again. In fact, it’s probably a bad idea now that they’ve verbalized the fact that it’s entirely unnecessary. But he’s right there and the idea of properly pushing him against and making out with him is honestly kind of enticing.

So he does. And luckily, Paul kisses him back. He runs his fingers through Ted’s hair while he does and it’s nice. Ted doesn’t even notice as he loosens Paul’s tie before it’s already done and suddenly he feels happy he verbalized it anyway, because that makes it seem like it was part of the plan all along.

Fuck it, Ted thinks to himself as he breaks away from the kiss to instead trail a few kisses down Paul’s neck. Paul doesn’t push him away and he’s thankful for that, because he’s having a good time. Paul also doesn’t stop him from leaving a hickey or from trailing kisses back up his neck or for going in for another kiss.

Ted ends up being the one breaking away and when he does, they’re both plenty out of breath. He’s thankful it’s so dark, because that means there’s even less of a chance Paul catches him stopping himself from leaning back in for a quick kiss. Not that it means anything. Kissing is nice and if he has to suffer through pretending to be in a committed relationship (as if it wasn’t his own idea in the first place), he’s happy he at least gets to make out with Paul from time to time.

“Okay. Uh… Do you think we’re good?” Paul asks after another moment has passed.

Ted shrugs in the darkness. Then he ruffles Paul’s hair in a hope it’ll bring him back to a mindset that isn’t just  _ hm, you should kiss Paul again _ . It doesn’t work entirely, so he takes a step towards the door. “Sure. We’re good.”

He opens the door and gets exactly one step out of the closet, before Paul pulls him back in. Not to kiss him again, but rather to hand him his coffee that he was one hundred percent ready to abandon on the shelf (and that he totally hadn’t forgotten about, shut up).

Bill gives them a look as they make their way back to their tables and Ted winks at him in return. Then he looks at Paul, who’s completely red in the face at this point. It’s kind of cute, he’s not going to lie.


	7. Mamma Mia! Here we go again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "bill is valid" –me

Another week rolls around and nothing too exciting happens around the office. Ted still often parks his chair right behind Paul’s and Paul sometimes takes his hand when and intertwines their fingers. It’s sweet, but at the same time a little bit disgusting. He appreciates it nevertheless, because Charlotte seems to notice and that’s what this whole pretending to be in a relationship business is about in the end.

Then that week passes and by the end of it, it’s once again the second Friday of the month. Alice is back off to Clyvesdale and Bill feels more alone than he usually does, so he invites his coworkers out for drinks.

Melissa has a date, so she can’t make it. A lot of people can’t make it, but most of their excuses are much lamer than Melissa’s (okay, maybe Ted’s just happy she has a date. Sue him!) and ‘ _ it’s been a long day and I’m tired and just want to go home and sleep _ ’ is no reason not to grab a drink with your coworkers!

At least that’s what Ted thinks until Bill asks  _ him  _ if he’s on for drinks tonight. Then he doesn’t want to, because it’s been a long day and he’s tired and just wants to go home and sleep.

He opens his mouth to say this, but Paul talks before he has the chance. “We’d love to come.” 

“Really?” Bill asks. Paul nods. Then he asks who else is coming and Bill tells them, it’s just Charlotte (her boyfriend is out of town for the weekend, he tells and Ted tries his best to look like he cares). Ted’s not sure if it makes it better or worse that Charlotte will be there, but he does agree to go and only somewhat reluctantly.

When the day’s over, Bill tells them that there’s been a change of plans. No one else has said yes, so Charlotte suggested maybe they just go to Bill’s apartment and watch a movie. He also lets them know that he has wine at home, so it’s not like they’re going to be sober. They’re just going to not be at a bar.

Ted, once again, wants to say no and Paul, once again, manages to tell Bill that they’re in before he has the chance. He kind of regrets telling Paul that he has no weekend plans, but it’s whatever. There’s wine. There’s Paul. He’ll survive.

Instead of going in seperate cars, Paul offers to drive both of them. “I know where Bill lives and I can pick you up before work on Monday,” he says.

To be fair, Ted doesn’t need his car this weekend. So he sighs, leans in to press a soft kiss to Paul’s forehead because Charlotte’s nearby and then he nods. “Yeah, sounds good.”

All four of them make their way towards the elevator together. Ted doesn’t like that Charlotte’s there and perhaps Paul can sense that, because before he knows it, his quote unquote boyfriend’s hand is on his back. There’s something oddly comforting about the way he seamlessly runs his thumb up and down, and it brings a small smile to Ted’ face. The hand stays on his back all the way to the car and Paul only drops it once Ted is on his way into the passenger seat.

“Why are we going to this thing again?” Ted asks. He’s not asked before, but he wants to make it clear to Paul that he didn’t want to go.

Paul pulls out of the parking lot and keeps his eyes on the road. “Because Bill is my friend.”

“Well, he’s not  _ my  _ friend.”

“I know, but he’s my friend.” Paul tells him it doesn’t matter if Bill’s his friend or not. Alice left this morning, he seems more upset than usual (allegedly, Ted doesn’t actually know if this is true) and the least they can do is be there and support him. How lame.

Bill’s place looks exactly like Ted thought it would. Not that he’s ever given it any thought, he’s just not surprised that there’s family pictures of him and Alice (and his ex-wife that he doesn’t dare bring up because he knows Bill will want to talk about her and Ted just doesn’t want to listen to it) everywhere.

“So what do you guys want to watch?” Bill asks. He pulls out a box of DVDs and Ted almost considers telling him he has a Netflix login they can use, but then he realizes that he doesn’t really care.

Still, he goes to take a look at what’s in the box. As does Charlotte. Paul stays back and Bill takes a step back to join him. It’s weird being so close to Charlotte without a protective Paul-shaped shield right next to him, but it’s fine. He’ll survive.

Ted watches as Charlotte runs her fingers over the spines of the DVDs. He recognizes a few titles. Some are rom coms he knows he’s watched with her in the past, some are children's movies that have probably been in the box for far too long. Charlotte’s finger stops by one of Ted’s favorites.  _ Mamma Mia! The Movie _ might be a guilty pleasure, but what’s not to love?

She goes to pull it out and Ted starts shaking his head. He puts the DVD right back in the box before it’s even all the way up. “Nope. Not happening.”

Charlotte looks up at him and he can see the confusion on her face. “But it’s one of your favorites. Why don’t you want to watch M–”

Ted shakes his head and cuts her off. “Charlotte, no. We’re not watching a fucking musical. I’d rather rewatch  _ How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days _ than watch a single second of  _ that _ .” It almost hurts to lie, but luckily only almost.  _ Mamma Mia! _ deserves better.

“Then we’re watching  _ How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days _ .”

“Fine,” he says.

Fine,” she repeats.

Fine,” he concludes.

Charlotte fishes the copy of  _ How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days _ out of the box of DVDs and Ted turns around to roll his eyes at Charlotte but in Paul’s direction.

He can’t help but to notice the slight smile on Paul’s lips when he turns around to face him and in three swift steps, Ted’s next to him with an arm loosely around his waist. “You remembered.”

Ted shrugs it off. It’s not a big deal. Paul’s never liked musicals and they’ve known each other for a long time at this point. Of course he remembered.

Bill, who’s been looking kind of confused about Charlotte and Ted’s whole interaction, finally speaks up. “I’m sorry, you two seem to know each other a little better than I thought you did.”

“Yeah.” Charlotte doesn’t say anything, so Ted decides to leave it at that.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. It’s just, you two never seem to interact around the office.”

Ted should just shut up, sit down on the couch and let this interaction be over with. He doesn’t. “Well, that would be because Charlotte,” he looks back over at her with a smile that says  _ I hope you fucking die _ . “Is a back-stabbing, cheating bitch who’s dating the man she left me for.”

Right next to him, he can hear Paul sigh. “Ted. That’s not a very nice thing to say.”

Ted tells him that cheating isn’t a very nice thing to do either, then he pulls him with him to the couch. Bill nods a few times and seems like he regrets asking, then announces that he’s going to the kitchen to fetch some wine.

And Charlotte? Well, Charlotte just stands there fiddling with the DVD and looking into the ground. At least until Bill returns. Then she, too, joins the couch and luckily, both Bill and Paul are between them.

The movie’s awful. Ted’s always thought so, but it’s one of Charlotte’s favorite movies so he’s always watched it anyway. This time, however, he’s not focused on the movie. There’s wine and that is far more important.

He has two whole glasses before settling down and actually getting comfortable on the couch. Well, as comfortable as one can get on a couch with one’s ex, one’s coworker that one does not like and one’s fake boyfriend. And when he does, it doesn’t take long for Paul to lean up against him.

Instead of focusing on Charlotte, he decides to focus on Paul. He’s honestly really proud of him and of them, even if that feels a bit strange to state. A month ago, there’s no way that Paul would have cuddled up to him without anyone telling him to, but here they are.

Ted presses a kiss to the top of Paul’s head and wraps his arms around him. The movie and the situation might be absolutely horrible, but it’s once again made a little easier by having Paul there with him. And even though he logically knows that they’re just pretending, it still feels like he has Paul’s support at this moment. It’s a nice feeling, even if it’s fabricated.

No one’s saying anything, so when Bill pauses the movie to go to the kitchen to answer the phone, it’s a bit more awkward. Ted has very little impulse control, so when he realizes that Charlotte is going to be able to hear them if they whisper he gets an awful idea and follows through with it. “Hey Paul?”

“Mhmm?”

“I love you.” It’s not exactly a lie. He does love Paul, but not in the way he’s trying to make Charlotte think. His love for Paul is strictly platonic, but he never tells him so it’s a perfect fake romantic gesture.

Paul’s face goes through a journey. Panic. Confusion. Realization. It ends up with a soft smile. “I love you too.”

Ted kisses him because he’s an asshole and because Charlotte hasn’t deserved for him to politely hold back. It’s a brief kiss, but it’s very sweet nonetheless.

When Bill eventually returns and restarts the movie, Paul and Ted goes back to silently cuddling. There’s a bit more chatter for the second half of the movie, but it doesn’t take much at all for them to beat the complete silence of the first half. When it’s over, Charlotte quickly excuses herself and goes home.

Ted’s in the middle of putting on his jacket when Bill clears his throat. “Hey, uh… Hey Ted, could I get you to stick around for a second before you go home? I need to talk to you about something. In private.”

“I guess?” Ted turns to Paul. “Could I convince you to wait for me in the car? It hopefully won’t take long.”

Paul nods and the two of them share a quick goodbye kiss before Paul exists. There’s really no reason for them to kiss, Charlotte isn’t there, but it’s become a habit at this point, so why the fuck not?

Bill talks and Ted tries his best to listen, but he’s just so used to this.  _ Blah, blah, blah. My wife cheated on me and left me for another man. Blah, blah, blah. I understand your situation and I hope you’re alright. Blah, blah. _ “I’m glad you’re with Paul now. He’s a good guy and he seems to make you happy. You seem to make him happy too. I care about Paul a lot and I’ve told him I don’t like you, but he seems to. You’re a lucky guy, okay. I hope you know that. Don’t you dare break his heart, okay?”

Okay, maybe he’s not super used to this talk.

He ignores the part about Bill’s ex-wife and the part about Charlotte, promises Bill that he’ll be good to Paul and then leaves before Bill has the chance to think of more things he needs to say.


	8. The Guy Who Didn't Like Paul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone (it was stry) asked me how long ted and charlotte was together and the answer is nearly six and a half years. so when ted (or i) say they were "casually dating" that is a lie (unlike when i say that ted doesn't have feelings for paul, which very obviously IS the truth as demonstrated by this chapter's title)

On his way to the car, Ted thinks about what Bill said and comes to the conclusion that he’s right. At least about some things.

Paul  _ does  _ make him happy, doesn’t he? Like, okay, maybe not in the exact way Bill is thinking, but he does make him happy. Especially ever since they’ve started this whole pretending to be in a relationship thing, but that’s just because it means they’ve been spending more time together. There’s been more chances for Paul to make him happy.

He doesn’t  _ like  _ Paul. He loves him, yeah, as a friend. But he doesn’t like him. He’s not into him. He just enjoys spending time with him and yeah, okay, he can recognize that cuddling him is neat and that the feeling of Paul’s hand on his lower back is nice, but since when is cuddling not nice? Since when is it not nice to somehow feel your friend’s support of you through a simple touch? He doesn’t like Paul.

When Ted finally gets to the car, Paul’s there waiting for him. He smiles as Ted opens the door and Ted smiles back, because how can he not?

“Hey Ted?” Paul asks after a while. Ted makes an uncommitted noise that he hopes Paul knows means he has permission and encouragement to go on. “I know it’s, um… Maybe a bad time, but uh… Do you– Do you wanna come home with me for a while? To talk.”

If there’s one thing Ted hates, it’s talking about things. But he’s always considered Paul one of his closest friends, so he supposes he’ll make an exception. “Sure. Do you have alcohol?”

“Uh, I think so, yeah. Yeah, I think I have a bottle of white wine in my fridge.”

He can live with that, he decides. White isn’t the worst thing in the world. Sure, it’s not red, but he’ll drink it. And he knows Paul is kind of specific when it comes to alcohol (or honestly any beverage), but he guesses since it’s in his fridge, he will too.

Paul doesn’t live too far away from Bill and they end up not making much more conversation on the short drive there. In fact, they don’t make much conversation before they’re safely inside Paul’s apartment with their shoes and jackets off. They manage to get the wine out of the fridge, find two glasses and go sit on the couch before any of them really speak up.

“So.” Ted claps his hands together. “You wanted to talk?”

He watches as Paul nods, downs a glass of wine and pours himself another one. “Yeah. I guess, um… yeah.”

Giving him a moment to gather his thoughts seems fair, but when Paul doesn’t continue talking and instead takes a sip of his second glass of wine, Ted nods too and makes peace with the fact that he’s probably going to be the one taking charge of this conversation despite not being the one who wants to talk in the first place. “Well, I’m all ears. What did you want to talk about?”

“Okay. Okay.  _ Okay _ . We were just at Bill’s.” Ted nods, because Paul is right. They were just at Bill’s. He also realizes that at this speed, this conversation might take a while, so he follows Paul’s example and downs his glass of wine, only to pour himself another one. “You said, you love me.”

Ted nods again, because Paul is right again. “I did say I love you.”

Paul’s fidgeting. That’s not unusual. But his hands are even less still than they usually are, so Ted takes a chance and takes Paul’s hand. It gets him a weak smile. “What was that about?”

He gives Paul’s hand a little squeeze. Then he lets go and goes to take another sip of his wine. “We’ve been fake dating for a while, I thought it was fitting. Also I may or may not have been just a tiny bit vulnerable because Charlotte was there.”

“You think?”

Ted gives Paul’s shoulder a little push. It’s playful more than anything and it brings a small smile to his lips, so Ted stands by it. He has a nice smile. “I’m sorry. I probably should have warned you before doing that.” Ted doesn’t apologize too often, but Paul’s been nothing but kind and patient. He’s put up with a lot of shit. He deserves it.

Maybe if he had been someone else, Ted would have promised not to do it again. But he knows himself. And he knows it’s a promise he won’t keep, so he’s not going to bother lying.

“It’s alright.” Paul puts a hand on his shoulder and suddenly, Ted can’t help but to notice that they’re sitting far closer on this couch than they need to. He doesn’t move away. And maybe it’s because Paul doesn’t notice either, but he stays as well. “Just, uh… Maybe try warning me next time?”

“No promises.” Ted smiles at Paul, a genuine smile. “I’ll try, though. Anything else you wanted to talk about?”

Paul opens his mouth to say something, but stops himself. Ted watches him as he puts on his thinking face and decides not to interrupt whatever’s going on in his head. “No. No, actually that was it.”

Sure, maybe he could come with a comment about how they could have just as easily done this in the car, but he doesn’t mind being in Paul’s apartment (and it’s totally only because of the free wine; there’s no other reason and anyone who thinks otherwise need to shut up). “In that case, wanna watch a movie? There’s still wine left and it’d be a shame for it to go to waste.”

“Yeah. Sure! A movie sounds good.”  _ Now  _ Paul seems to realize that they’re sitting really close together, because Ted sees a brief look of panic flash over Paul’s face before he looks away, then moves away. “Anything in particular you’d like to watch?”

Ted shakes his head. “Not really. How about you? Anything in particular  _ you’d _ like to watch?” It’s not entirely true. He wants to watch Mamma Mia!, but he knows that’s not going to work with Paul, so he’s not about to suggest it.

“Actually, yes.” Paul holds up a finger, then gets up to go fetch something from his TV stand. Ted takes the opportunity to refill their glasses and by the time he’s done so, Paul’s already on his way back. “We have two options:  _ Little Shop of Horrors _ or  _ Reanimator _ .”

With a raised eyebrow, Ted turns to look at Paul rather than the DVDs. “A musical? Are you really suggesting we watch a musical?”

He shakes his head. “Oh no. Not the musical version. This is an adaption. There’s no singing, no dancing… It’s honestly pretty good.”

“Let’s watch it, then!” Ted’s not the biggest fan of horror movies. He scares easily and he doesn’t like it when people know that about him, so he usually avoids them. It’s easy most of the time, but Paul’s two suggestions are horror movies and Ted doesn’t know much about  _ Reanimator _ , but he does know that  _ Little Shop of Horrors  _ is at least a horror comedy and he’s willing to take that risk.

Paul nods, then gets off of the couch again to go put the disk in his DVD player. He’s impressed but not surprised that both he and Bill still have one. Once the picture is on the screen, Paul returns to the couch. He’s about to start the movie, when Ted holds up his hand to stop him.

“What?” Paul asks.

“We should order food,” Ted says. “It’s getting pretty late and neither of us have had dinner. We should order food.”

Since Paul has no complaints, they end up doing just that. It takes half an hour for their pizzas to arrive and they don’t start the movie before they do, because Paul isn’t a big fan of pausing movies. It ruins his immersion, apparently. Ted doesn’t mind sticking around a little bit longer, so it’s really no issue for him.

Paul doesn’t mind eating on his couch and he doesn’t mind eating while they watch the movie, so that’s exactly what they do. The pizzas and the wine disappears before the movie’s over and that’s alright, Ted decides. It’s alright because he’s a little bit tired and that’s a good enough excuse to gently lean against Paul.

He doesn’t expect Paul to put an arm around him. They are alone, after all, there’s no reason to. He would one hundred percent have understood if Paul had simply pushed him away, but he doesn’t. He really does put an arm around him and he even lets Ted cuddle up to him despite no one being around to see it.

It’s a bit strange, but it’s also nice. He knows he’s been enjoying cuddling up to Paul in general, but they’ve never really done it when it’s just been the two of them so he’s always assumed it’s because there’s been a purpose. Like pushing Paul’s boundaries a little as revenge for making him wear stupid Christmas sweaters or like shoving the fact that he’s over her right into Charlotte’s face.

But there’s absolutely no point to this and yet, Ted enjoys it. He enjoys it so much in fact that his body decides it’s alright for him to fall asleep right there in Paul’s arms.

He wakes up God knows how long after. The movie’s over, but the title screen is on the TV and Paul’s arm’s still around him. He’s absolutely not  _ awake-awake _ , but he’s kind of awake. “Uh, Paul?”

“Mmhm?”

“What time is it?” He asks. It’s clearly dark out, but he has no real feeling of time right now.

“Uhhh.” He can feel Paul moving around a little and he sees him reaching out for his phone. It doesn’t respond when he tries to turn it on. “No idea. My iPhone’s dead. Ran out of power, I assume.”

Ted  _ really  _ doesn’t want to move, because he knows that once he moves it’s over. Paul’s arm is still around him and his tired brain has decided that that’s a good thing. So he’s starved for physical contact? Sue him! “You don’t have a watch?”

He thinks Paul might be shaking his head, but he’s not quite sure and he can’t be bothered to look. “No.” He laughs a little. “I’m afraid not. Can’t you check your phone?”

A loud sigh later, Ted untangles himself from Paul and reaches out to grab his phone that’s  _ way  _ too far away. Why did he put it there? “Fuck. It’s almost 1 am.”

“No way.”

“Yes way.” Ted turns his phone screen towards Paul to show him that it is, in fact, 1 am. “I don’t mean to be a bother, but could I perhaps crash here tonight? I’m not really feeling like going home right now.”

“Uhhh, sure. Yeah, no problem. I think I even have a spare toothbrush you can borrow.”

Ted thanks him and the two of them go get ready for bed without acknowledging the fact that they just spent almost five hours cuddling each other on Paul’s couch.

They get ready for bed together. Or they at least brush their teeth at the same time and that’s something. It’s almost a surreal experience, seeing their reflection in the mirror. It feels so normal and so strange at the same time. And while Ted doesn’t exactly miss the domestic life (God knows he wasn’t very good at that with Charlotte back when they lived together), he can’t help but smile at the sight of them in the mirror.

Paul must have caught his smile, because when Ted returns to reality, Paul’s reflection is smiling too. He doesn’t dare turn to look at the non-reflection variant Paul, because he doesn’t want to think of the implications of these thoughts and if it’s just their reflections looking this normal together despite their situation being anything but normal, that makes it a little bit better.

They exit the bathroom and Ted says goodnight, then heads towards the couch. Paul stops him. “Uh, you know… The couch is quite short and my bed is pretty big. We, uh– It went alright in Colorado, so if you want to… If you want to sleep comfortably, I guess I’m saying I don’t mind.”

It’s maybe not the best idea in the world, but Ted says yes and the two of them end up falling asleep with their backs turned to each other on opposite sides of Paul’s bed.


	9. Normal ways to act around your friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'))))

Ted doesn’t wake up entangled in Paul and that’s alright. It’s perfect, in fact. It made him feel all sorts of weird after it happened in Colorado, so it’s nice not to have that to think about now. Paul’s still asleep, though, so Ted simply finds his phone and starts scrolling through social media. He doesn’t want to bother him or wake him up by making too much noise or moving too much, so this is fine for now.

When Paul  _ does  _ wake up, he rolls over and looks up at Ted who’s in a sitting position at this point. His hair is messy and his eyes are only part way open, but he’s smiling and he looks adorable and–  _ Fuck _ .

Ted mentally shakes his head. Physically, he smiles back at Paul. “Good morning,” he says instead of acknowledging the fact that his brain is trying to tell him he  _ feels  _ things. That’s disgusting and quite frankly not true. It’s only because they’ve been spending so much time together, he tells himself instead. It’s natural for his brain to be a bitch when he’s literally faking a real relationship with Paul. It’s fine.

“Good morning.” Paul’s voice sounds exactly like someone who’s just woken up and apparently Ted’s brain insists on being a little bitch who thinks that’s sexy, charming and attractive. It’s not. He’s just being dumb right now. “Have you been awake for long?”

He shakes his head. It’s a lie, but it doesn’t matter. “Not too long, no. How’d you sleep?” He puts his phone down and lays down again, so he’s able to face Paul without looking down too much.

Paul tells him that he’s slept alright, then suggests that they get up. Ted doesn’t mind much, but he lets Paul go off to the bathroom first. And yeah, maybe he looks at his ass while he walks away, but it’s a fine ass and Ted can admire it with no emotional attachment if he so pleases.

Then it’s Ted’s turn. He’s already checked when the next bus towards his place goes (asking a slightly hungover Paul to drive him home just doesn’t feel right), so once he’s dressed, he’s ready to go.

“Thanks for letting me crash,” Ted says as he puts on his shoes. “I appreciate it. I can still expect you to pick me up for work Monday morning, right?”

Paul hands him his jacket and Ted smiles as he accepts it and puts it on. “Of course. I’ll, uh… text you.”

“Sure.” Ted nods. Then he goes to open the door. “Goodbye.”

Paul nods too. “Yeah, goodbye. Get home safe.” Then he takes a step closer to Ted and he expects him to hug him. He doesn’t. No, Paul straight up presses his lips to Ted’s, who’s left blinking a few times because it’s unexpected and over just as quickly as it arrived. “I– Sorry.” Paul laughs. Not a good laugh, but rather an awkward and nervous one. “Force of habit.”

He gets it. They kiss goodbye at work sometimes when Charlotte’s there as they say goodbye. It’s nothing. It means nothing. “Don’t worry about it. See you Monday.”

Ted goes to bed way too late that evening. He ends up sending Paul a good night text and when he wakes up in the morning, there’s a reply. Or… there’s a good morning text. And that’s kind of a reply. It’s good enough. He writes good morning back and they end up having a short conversation over text.

That must be it, Ted thinks as it’s over. But it isn’t. Paul texted him good night and he texts the same thing back, and when he awakens the next morning there’s a good morning message. There’s also information about when Paul will be here, so Ted texts good morning back and says he’ll be ready.

The car ride isn’t anything out of the ordinary. They don’t talk a lot and Ted’s a bit tired, so he rests his head against the window. Paul tells him to please not do that, he just cleaned his car, so Ted sighs loudly but listens to him anyway.

Once they arrive at work and get out of the car, Ted takes Paul’s hand (and it’s only because Charlotte could arrive at any second and Sam could be dropping her off, there’s literally no other reason, shut up). Paul looks at their hands, then up at Ted, then back at their hands and finally back up at Ted. Then he smiles, gives his hand a little squeeze and starts walking.

The workday also isn’t anything out of the ordinary. It’s a bit out of the ordinary because Ted gets a text message from Mrs. Matthews asking him if he’d be willing to come over after work on Wednesday and help preparing for Paul’s birthday, but honestly he should have expected that because Paul’s birthday is Thursday (which he knows because they’ve been friends forever and because he went to buy him a present Saturday before getting home).

He says yes.

Wednesday after work, Ted goes to the Matthews residence. Mrs. Matthews opens the door and greets him with a big, warm hug that makes him feel welcome. It also makes him miss his own mother, but he pushes that thought away as soon as it gets there. The anniversary of her death isn’t until next month, so he refuses to think about it.

Instead he goes into the kitchen with Mrs. Matthews and she starts looking through the cabinets for the things they need. They’re baking bread and cake for tomorrow, but Mr. Matthews is out of town and she could use some extra hands in the kitchen. Ted is happy to be the help that she needs.

He’ll be honest, he kind of feared that things would be weird before he showed up. He’s not dating her son, they’re just friends, so the thought of pretending to be in love with him when he’s not even around was kind of terrifying. Luckily only kind of and luckily only the thought. The reality of the situation is that it’s not that bad.

Mrs. Matthews tells him stories about Paul and most of the stories are about Paul doing something stupid either growing up or as an adult, and Ted can appreciate that. Apparently he once managed to lock himself into a dryer for an hour because he thought closing the door would make it rock him back and forth, which Ted finds hilarious and a little bit adorable, all at once.

She also talks about stupid things Ted and Paul would get up to together when they were kids and she tells him, she’s happy he’s back in their lives. In return, he tells her that he’s happy to be back as well.

Apparently, the Matthews’ doesn’t care about keeping his birthday preparations a secret for him, because Paul shows up with an overnight bag and comes to sit with them in the kitchen just as they put the cake into the oven.

After they’ve both said hi to him, Mrs. Matthews asks a question that Ted is not prepared to answer: “There’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, but I keep forgetting for some reason. Do you remember Bethanty, dear?”

Dear. That’s him. Why is his past mistakes coming to bite him in the ass? Why can’t he just live a life without consequences? But there’s no use in lying, so he sighs and answers truthfully. “I do, yeah.”

“That was just before you two started dating, right?” He nods, because that’s exactly when that happened. Paul’s blind date with Beth was like the night before the two of them started fake dating if he remembers correctly. “Why? I mean, I’m just curious as to why you’d try to set my son up for a date instead of just asking him out yourself?”

Ted laughs. Not because the situation is funny, but rather because he’s nervous. Paul was not supposed to find out that  _ he  _ was the one who set them up. Also it buys him time to think of an excuse that makes sense. The thing he settles on only kind of makes sense, but kind of is better than nothing. “Funny you should ask, I uh… I actually knew that Paul didn’t like Bethany, like, at all. And I don’t think I had fully come to terms with the fact that I liked him yet, but I was getting there and I think, I thought it was a great idea to set him up with someone I knew he wouldn’t like, because… Because then maybe I’d have a chance.”

It doesn’t entirely make sense, but whatever. It’s good enough for him and it seems to be good enough for Mrs. Matthews. He hasn’t dared look in Paul’s direction and he’s not about to start.

_ Ring, ring.  _ A phone rings. Mrs. Matthews answers it. She turns to Paul once she’s hung up. “Sweetie, I know it’s for your birthday and everything, but I need to go pick up your dad. You think you could help Ted out with the bread?”

Paul sighs. “Yes, mom. Of course.”

Ted finally dares look at him and what he finds is luckily a soft smile. Thank fucking God. Mrs. Matthews quickly goes over the recipe, then tells them to check the cake in 17 minutes. She kisses Ted on the cheek and then she’s out of there.

It’s impressive how well they’re able to coexist in the kitchen together in complete silence. Ted doesn’t want to be the one to break it and luckily he doesn’t have to. “So  _ you’re  _ the one who set me up on that date.”

Ted nods. He doesn’t get to say anything before there’s suddenly something white drizzling down over him. Flour. Paul’s throwing flour on him. “Bitch!”

“Uh, pretty sure you’re the bitch… Bitch.” He’s facing Paul now, but that doesn’t stop him from throwing even more flour in his direction. Ted luckily closes his eyes, but it still gets all over his face.

Ted’s not above revenge, so he grabs some flour himself and throws it back. It, in turn, only gets him even more flour back and he just knows it’s going to be awful to get out of his hair. However, it  _ is  _ kind of fun, so he doesn’t mind.

There’s still some cocoa powder left on the table, which Ted finds out in the hard way: When Paul picks up the box and pours some out over him. It makes Ted reach out for an egg which he cracks over Paul’s head. Paul shakes his head at him. He doesn’t look angry, he’s just smiling. And laughing. Just as Ted is. Then he reaches out for the sugar as well, but this time Ted’s fast enough.

He grabs Paul’s hand before he’s able to pour some sugar on him and while he doesn’t mind this going on (it’s a lot of fun, he’s not going to lie), he also really,  _ really  _ wants to kiss Paul. So he does the sensible thing and pushes Paul up against the fridge.

Paul lets him and Ted’s going to be real, pinning Paul up against surfaces really doesn’t make it easy not to kiss him. It’d be so simple to lean in and close the distance between them and fuck, he wants to.

He leans in, slowly and not quite all the way. Then he freezes. This is stupid, fuck. He’s not supposed to want to kiss Paul when there’s no one around. Hell, he’s not even supposed to want to kiss Paul when people are around, he’s supposed to do it because it’ll sell that they’re in a relationship. This is not part of the plan.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He needs to think quickly, needs to come up with an explanation, uhhhh. The sugar! He can use the sugar.

So he does. He grabs ahold of the sugar and pours it down over Paul. Well, he tries to at least. Some of it also hits him, but it’s whatever. “You’re a fucking idiot, Paul,” he tells him. Because it’s easier than acknowledging that  _ he’s  _ the idiot.

Paul laughs a little. That’s when Ted realizes they’re still standing too close together, because he can feel Paul’s breath on his lips and fuck, he still wants to kiss him. This is stupid. Who’s idea was it for them to do this? Because they sound like they’re dumb and Ted wants to file a complaint about this whole thing.

Ted steps back and they don’t talk about it. It’s normal. It’s fine. They go back to baking the bread, they manage to get the cake out of the oven and then they start cleaning up. Both Mr. and Mrs. Matthews ask them what happened when they get back and that’s fair.

Mrs. Matthews asks if he wants to stay the night, but Ted says no. He didn’t bring anything and Paul’s birthday present is still at home. But they’ll both be over tomorrow after work, he promises.


	10. Totally not a date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like no matter what i write, i come to a point where ted is number one on the list of people who are not valid, and paul and emma are number one on the list of people who are

Sometimes, Ted’s brain tells him to do some regrettable stuff and most of the time, he listens. But not today.

Because today it’s Paul’s birthday and what Ted’s brain is telling him is to avoid Paul as much as possible, but he can’t. Because Paul is, despite everything, his best friend. And Paul is, to the knowledge of everyone at the office, his boyfriend. And he’d be a pretty shitty boyfriend if he avoided Paul the whole day just because he’s feeling confused about what’s going on.

Besides, it’s pretty hard to avoid him, because they accidentally arrive at the same time, so they take the walk from the parking lot to the elevator to the office together.

“Hey.” Ted breaks the silence once they’re in the elevator. “Happy birthday, dude.” They alone, he can say dude. It might just be his imagination, but the idea of saying dude makes it all a bit more distant. So that’s what he goes with. Dude.

Paul nods a few times. He’s standing all the way on the opposite side of the elevator. “Thanks, man.” Man. Alright. They’re friends. They’re just friends. He can work with this.

The elevator comes to a stop and Paul takes a step closer to him. He also takes his hand before the doors open. It makes sense. That’s what they usually do when they arrive at the same time these days. It’s fine. He walks Paul to his table and it’s fine. He doesn’t want to let go of his hand, but it’s fine. He lets go anyway. He lets go and goes sit at his own table and it’s fine. It’s totally fine.

Ted feels like he’s going crazy. He keeps catching himself in looking longingly at Paul and he needs to stop, because he doesn’t long after Paul. He knows that. He’s just momentarily smitten and it sucks. It sucks so much, in fact, that he decides he can’t handle it. So he gets up and he goes to Beanie’s.

It’s Emma who’s at work and for the first time in his life, Ted finds himself feeling genuinely happy to see her. “Oh thank God.”

She points at him “You’re in a weird mood. What can I get you today, Tedward?””

He orders himself a chai iced tea and figures that since it’s Paul’s birthday, the nice thing to do is to bring him back a black coffee. So he orders that as well. Then he says something he regrets immediately. “And some conversation.”

She seems to be in disbelief, but ends up nodding. “Alright, but you gotta step to the side. If my Nora catches me slacking off, I’ll get canned.” He’s alright with that, he decides, and takes a step to the side to make room for other customers, of which there are none. “What’s up?”

So he tells her. He tells her about how his brain’s started being stupid, about how he keeps wanting to spend time with Paul even if they don’t nessicarily have to, about how he’s gone from not minding cuddling to missing it as soon as it’s over. He even tells her about the fact that he finds himself wanting to kiss Paul, even when there’s no one around. He makes sure to mention how annoying he finds the whole thing too.

When he’s done telling her about their flour war from yesterday and about how unbearable it’s been this morning, Emma finally speaks up. “I think I know what’s going on.”

He looks down on her with a raised eyebrow. “Oh?”

“You,” she points at him. “Have a crush. On Paul.”

“I do not have a crush on Paul.” Now Emma’s the one raising an eyebrow at him. He picks up his and Paul’s drinks, then rolls his eyes at her. “You’re stupid. This is stupid. You don’t know shit. I’m leaving.”

The rest of the day isn’t  _ that  _ bad. He hands Paul his coffee and it’s fine. They go to Paul’s parents’ place after work and it’s fine. They have bread and cake and it’s fine. Ted gives Paul his birthday present (a watch, so he doesn’t have to depend on his iPhone all the time) and it’s fine. They kiss goodnight and goodbye because his parents might be able to see them from the window and Ted can feel his heart flutter a little and it’s fine. It’s nothing. It’ll pass.

Friday comes around and Ted’s elected to completely ignore his feelings. They’re just friends who’re pretending to be in a relationship despite the fact that Ted doesn’t even have feelings for Charlotte outside of thinking she’s a bitch and he’s over thinking he’s into Paul.

He isn’t. He’s just touch starved or whatever. They’re just friends and his brain is just playing a trick on him, but that’s all over now. At least he wants it to be. He can repress his feelings. It’s fine.

They’re back to what they usually do and it’s fine. Ted rolls his chair up behind Paul’s table, Paul holds his hand whenever he’s not using both of his and he occasionally leans his forehead against Ted’s when he catches Charlotte looking at them. It’s fine.

It’s towards the end of the workday when Melissa stops by their table (well, Paul’s table, but Mr. Davidson doesn’t care that Ted spends so much time at it so long as he continually picks up the phone, so yeah. Their table). “Hi guys.”

Ted watches Paul as he looks up at her with a slightly forced-looking smile. “Hey Melissa.”

“A few of us are going to go grab drinks today after work. You two wanna come?”

Paul shakes his head. “No.”

“Oh.” Ted looks up at Melissa. Her usually cheerful smile has been replaced by a small pout and she tries to look at Ted for help. “Well, uh, it might be fun?”

“Yeah.” Paul shrugs. “I don’t want to, though.”

“Oh. Um… What about you, Ted?” She’s smiling again.

But she drops that as soon as Ted shakes his head. “No, I have other plans. Paul doesn’t know this yet, but I’m taking him out for a special birthday dinner.” Melissa and Paul both open their mouths and are about to talk, but Ted holds a finger up in the air to shut them up, because he’s getting another call.

Melissa gives up on sticking around, but he's still at Paul’s desk so of course Paul speaks up once Ted hangs up. “Special birthday dinner?”

“Yeah.” Ted nods a few times. “If you want to. It was mostly an excuse for Melissa to go away, but I don’t mind going out for dinner, actually.”

“Oh.” Paul nods a few times as well and takes his sweet time answering, which makes Ted want to run away. “Uhh, yeah. That sounds nice, that’d be great.”

“Great.”

It wasn’t a date. Ted needed to make sure that Paul knew that (because yikes, wouldn’t it be awkward if Paul thought it was a date when it very clearly isn’t) and he also needed to make sure he himself knew that (which he did, but he just needed to really drive that through so it would connect with the part of his brain that insisted on being stupid). So he does the first thing that comes to mind to establish the tone right as they sit down at their table.

“This is not a date,” he says.

He watches as a small smile forms on Paul’s lips and despite his best efforts, he’s unable to read it. He decides to assume it means acceptance, content and agreement, or that it means that Paul already knew that and is just smiling to reassure him, or… something like that! “Of course not. We’re just two friends, going out for dinner together at a reasonably fancy restaurant.”

“Exactly!” God, he was happy Paul knew what he meant. “What do you want, Paul? My treat.” As soon as the words have left his lips, he realizes that that could be misinterpreted. It’s not a date, he’s not paying in a date kind of way. He needs to make sure Paul also knows that. “As a thank you. For doing this whole thing with me for so long. So… Thank you. You’ve been a champ.”

The smile doesn’t leave Paul’s lips and they both take a moment to look over the menus, but Paul’s quick to pick something out. “Margherita pizza for me. And some water.”

Ted raises an eyebrow at him. “That’s an awfully boring order, you sure you don’t want literally anything else? I’m paying, remember.”

“Hmm. Margherita pizza and a glass of white wine, then.”

“God, you really are boring sometimes.” Ted rolls his eyes.

It just makes Paul shrug. “I just don’t see the point in challenging myself. Like, why would I go to a restaurant and spend way too much money on trying something new that I might not even like, when I could just get an excellent version of something I know I’ll enjoy? If I wanted to try a stuffed pasta dish with complimentary octopus, I could do that at home and come to my own conclusion there, you know?”

“That’s… actually a really good point.” Maybe he doesn’t exactly agree with Paul and maybe he was considering the stuffed pasta dish with complimentary octopus, but it doesn’t matter. “I guess I’m on team spaghetti bolognese, then.”

“Oh, you don’t wanna do that.”

Ted tilts his head a bit to the side. “What? Why not? It’s a classic, it’s just like you said.”

“It just– They never make it the way you expect it to be and if you don’t get lucky, you’re going to end up disappointed.”

“That’s stupid,” Ted tells him and when the waiter comes around to take their order moments later, he asks for spaghetti bolognese (and a glass for red wine, because red wine’s always good).

They chat while they wait for their food and when it arrives, Paul’s satisfied with his pizza and Ted’s mildly disappointed with his spaghetti bolognese (it just isn’t what he expected it to be, okay? Sue him). But it’s fine, because Paul’s there and Paul’s pretty good company.

Ted’s not going to lie to himself (he would never), going on a not-date with Paul is a good time. He’s fully aware of the fact that he’s chosen the path of not acknowledging his feelings and he intends to stick with that.

But it’s raining when they exit the restaurant and Paul takes off his suit jacket and holds it over his head and gestures for Ted to come closer, so he does, and he can’t pinpoint what exactly it is about the whole thing, but it makes his heart flutter a little bit (that fucker).

Paul follows him all the way to his car, where they stop for a moment. Ted exits the safety of Paul’s suit jacket leans against the side of his car. A little water isn’t going to hurt him, but standing so close to Paul for a longer period of time might.

“I had a good time tonight,” Paul says. He eyes the sky for a moment and sighs before lowering his suit jacket and putting it back on. “It was nice. We, uh. We should do this again sometime.”

Seeing that he, too, has had a good time, Ted nods. “Yeah. A bro’s night out is al–”


	11. A kiss is a "shut up" in sheep's clothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ted stop being a fucking coward challenge

Something cuts him off. No, not something. Someone. Paul. Paul cuts him off, because Paul decides that it’s a good idea to grab his face and pull him in for a kiss.

Now, Ted doesn’t necessarily disagree. He tries to tell himself that it’s annoying, that it’s cold and wet, that he’s going to catch a cold and that it’s going to be Paul’s fault, but the fact of the matter is that he immediately kisses him back and that he reaches out to hold onto Paul while they kiss. The reality of the whole thing is that he doesn’t want Paul to pull away and stop kissing him.

It’s… nice. Or maybe it’s a little bit more than nice, but he’s only just coming to terms with the fact that he really wants to kiss Paul, he doesn’t need more things to process.

This kiss is not like their office parking lot kisses, it’s not like their Paul’s-parents-could-be-watching kisses. It’s not like their practice kisses on Paul’s couch way back when they first tried. It feels… real?

Fuck. It feels real.

They eventually pull back, but Paul doesn’t let go of his face, so Ted doesn’t let go of Paul either. For a while, they just stand there, catching their breaths: Ted, leaning against his car, and Paul just slightly pressing against him.

What does this mean for them? Is Paul into him? Is  _ he  _ into Paul? He’s been actively trying to avoid that reality for a good while now, but Paul’s his best friend and he’s been making him feel all sorts of things. Mostly good things, though there’s been some confusion and frustration here and there (but to be fair to Paul, his frustration has been with himself, mostly). Could this thing between them be more?

Paul’s the first to speak up. “I’ve never kissed someone in the rain before.”

“Oh?” Ted raises an eyebrow. It’s not what he expected Paul to say, but he also has no idea what exactly he  _ did  _ expect Paul to say.

“Oh,” Paul repeats, almost confirmingly. He’s smiling and then suddenly his lips are back on Ted’s (but this time it’s a much shorter kiss and Ted can feel him smiling through it (which, by the way, who allowed him to be that adorable? (that nerd))). “But I’m glad my kiss in the rain moment was with you.”

Ted’s smiling, like an idiot probably, but it’s alright because there’s only Paul there to see him. He’s about to pull Paul down for another kiss, but then he hears a voice behind him.

“Paul? Ted? I thought I saw you two in there.”

It’s Sam. Sam and Charlotte. Sam with Charlotte under his arm. And suddenly he gets it. This isn’t a romantic moment, this isn't a different kind of kiss than anything else they’ve ever done. They’re just… two friends. Being friends and pretending to be in a relationship, even though Ted didn’t know that was what they were doing. Good thing Paul notices Sam and Charlotte. Good thing Ted doesn’t get around to kissing him again. Good thing, better thing, best thing.

“Sam. Charlotte.” Ted smiles, but in no way does it reach his eyes. “You’re… also here.”

Sam smiles at him, in that smug way he always does. Ted’s bored with it and right now, frankly annoyed. He has better things to do. Like going home and not thinking about kissing Paul, because that’s stupid. Kissing Paul’s stupid. “Well, of course we are. This is where we had our first date.”

Ted rolls his eyes. “Cool, I don’t care, so maybe fuck off and let me kiss my boyfriend?”

“Of course, we’ll be on our way,” Charlotte says. Sam looks like he has more to say, but she puts a hand on his chest and–

There’s a ring on her finger. It’s a new one (Ted’s dated her for years and years, it’s not that hard to spot). He doesn’t want to ask, but he also has poor impulse control and his mouth opens before he’s able to send the ‘ _ do not ask _ ’-message all the way through his system. “Did you two get engaged?”

Charlotte freezes and the smile on Sam’s face grows. He’s the one who nods. She’s the one who answers. “We, uh… Yeah we did.” She holds out her hand so they can get a look of her ring, but quickly retreats it again, as if realizing that maybe showing off her engagement ring to her ex-boyfriend of six and a half years who never proposed to her despite the fact that she showed clear interest in getting married (but who she then cheated on instead of just breaking up with, that bitch) maybe isn’t the best idea in the world. “Sorry.”

Paul mutters a half-hearted congratulations in their direction as they head off towards their car and when they’re gone, he turns back to look at Ted. He smiles and it’s beautiful, then sad, then sadder. Because he wants it to be real more than anything. Because Ted finds himself in the unfortunate situation of wanting to kiss him and have it mean something, be something,  _ matter _ . Because he was stupid enough to let himself get fooled by their stupid fucking pretend dating scheme.

Whatever. He still lets Paul kiss him goodnight (because Charlotte and Sam are in the parking lot, so that’s what they have to do). He considers breaking up with him then and there. It’d be easy to just say that  _ well, this has been fun, now I don’t need it anymore, bye _ (because he doesn’t need it anymore, really; Charlotte’s engaged, she’s clearly won the breakup, and Ted doesn’t even care because apparently he’s caught feelings for someone else so whatever!).

“Are you alright?” Paul asks him as Sam’s car drives past them and out of the parking lot. He puts a hand on Ted’s shoulder and Ted instinctively brushes it off of him.

“Yeah.” He feels a little stupid, but he’s alright. “Goodnight, Paul.”

Paul texts him goodnight that evening. He doesn’t answer.

Paul texts him good morning the following day. He doesn’t answer.

Paul texts him goodnight in the evening again. He still doesn’t answer.

Paul doesn’t text him good morning.

Monday rolls around and Paul doesn’t even comment on the fact that Ted hasn’t been replying to his text messages. He walks past Ted’s table in the morning and acts as if nothing has changed (which is theoretically fair and fine, nothing has changed after all). He kisses Ted’s forehead and smiles at him, and Ted smiles back. Not voluntarily. It just sort of happens and he lives with that.

At lunch, Paul once again stops by his table. “Hey, I’m going to Beanie’s. Wanna come?”

Ted shakes his head. “No.” He considers leaving it at that, but Paul’s face drops a little so he sighs and quickly adds something more. “I’m good. But thank you. Maybe another time?”

Paul puts his hand on top of Ted’s and sure, Ted logically knows this means nothing, but his heart ignores his logic and beats a little faster than what is usual. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t  _ look _ fine.”

“Well, I am.”

It earns him a few nods from Paul who, at this point, gives up and let's go. “That’s good. I– Alright, bye.”

Apparently, Paul doesn’t quite believe in his supposed  _ fine,  _ because when he gets back from Beanie’s, he leaves a cup of what seems to be caramel frappe on his table. It’s not what he usually drinks (in fact, he doesn’t think he’s ever had a caramel frappe), but he could go for coffee (and there’s small hearts scribbled all over the cup) so he drinks it anyway.

It’s not before he’s already thrown the cup in the trash that he notices one of the hearts has T+P written in it. He admires Paul’s dedication to their bit, but it unfortunately stings a little more than it’s probably supposed to.

What once seemed like the most genius, fool-proof plan on the planet very quickly turns into the most awful plan Ted has ever had in his life (but awful in the nicest way possible). Because it’s not that the things Paul does are horrible. They’re just inconvenient for his heart.

Like, how is he supposed to be a functional human-being and get over his feelings when Paul sits through his awful jokes and adorably rolls his eyes at them while failing to hold back a smile? Or when Paul wraps his arms around him from behind and rests his head on his shoulder when they’re in the breakroom? How is Paul, waiting for him in the parking lot in the mornings, and Paul, kissing him goodbye in the afternoons and saying he’ll miss him, supposed to make him not fall in love with him?

Love. He dislikes that word. It feels strange.

It doesn’t feel wrong.

He dislikes that even more.

Ted’s not in love with Paul. He makes that decision in the middle of February.

They’re out grabbing a few drinks with a handful of people from the office and Paul keeps pressing kisses to his forehead or the tip of his nose. It’s adorable (but it would be adorable no matter who did it, so it’s whatever).

Paul’s drunk. Or maybe just very tipsy. Either way, he’s had quite a few drinks and his face is redder than usual, but he looks incredibly cute and Ted can’t take his eyes off of him.

But it’s fine, he doesn’t have to, because Paul never seems to stop doing small things to interact with him. Either his hand is on his back or he’s resting his forehead against Ted’s or he’s sending a tired, but loving smile in Ted’s direction.

Ted’s not in love with Paul. But he is absolutely smitten. And maybe nothing good will come from this. Maybe he’s fooling himself. Maybe he’s alright with that.

The two of them manage to excuse themselves and they go outside for a moment. Paul starts talking about something Ted doesn’t want to hear about. Not today. Not right now. “I… So I realize that maybe this,” he gestures between the two of them. “Might be over soon, but I want you to know that I’ll always be there for you. Always.”

Admittedly, Paul isn’t the only one who’s kind of drunk. So when Paul starts talking about them not being a thing anymore, Ted decides that he, too, wants to say something stupid. A different kind of stupid, but stupid nevertheless. “Do you think you’d have dated me if we hadn’t decided to fake it?”

Paul opens his mouth to answer, but the door opens. It’s Charlotte and Melissa who step out and they make Ted realize that he’s not ready to hear the answer, so he uses them as an excuse to get out of the situation. He backs Paul up against the wall and he kisses him.

By the time they pull back, the girls are long gone and their breaths are too. Ted, still not ready to hear the answer, decides that he’s better of running off as well.


	12. Paul's a good friend

Ted wakes up Saturday morning with a hangover not anywhere near as terrible as his feelings of sadness and regret. He doesn’t know if he regrets not letting Paul answer or if he regrets asking Paul that stupid question in the first place. It doesn’t fucking matter if Paul would have dated him or not. He wouldn’t have dated Paul (and sure, he does now, but that’s besides the point).

He knows why he’s sad, however. It’s February 16th 2020, which means there’s only four days until the ten year anniversary of his mother’s death. It’s rough. So he grabs a morning beer and decides not to think about it.

Sunday comes around. He doesn’t contact Paul and he doesn’t get any less sad. Monday comes around. Paul seems to be avoiding him and he’s still sad (maybe Paul isn’t ignoring him, but he’s ignoring Paul; it’s almost the same thing). Tuesday comes around. Paul’s definitely not ignoring him. He’s definitely ignoring Paul. He has other things to think about.

Wednesday comes around. Ted calls in sick.

He isn’t sick, but he might as well be. He hates feeling sad, he hates crying. It’s worse than feeling sick in Ted’s experience (even if he knows that that’s not quite true; it’s whatever, he’s sad right now and not sick and therefore, sad is worse).

Part of him considers getting drunk, but that seems like a horrible idea. He goes to the kiosk that’s right on the corner of the street he lives on, buys a pack of cigarettes and then goes to sit in his window still.

Maybe he should keep count, but after the first three cigarettes that already seems sad too, so he doesn’t. He doesn’t stop smoking either, but whatever. He can do what he wants.

Or maybe he can’t. His phone starts buzzing. First just one message, but then another and another. It’s not until after the third Ted takes a look.

It’s Paul. Asking him if he’s alright. Asking him if he’s _going_ to be alright.

Asking him to come over.

Ted says no. Paul says please. Ted gives in.

He rings the doorbell once he gets there, but Paul doesn’t open the door. It makes Ted sigh loudly, but before he gets around to ringing it again, a message chimes in on his phone. From Paul. _Door’s unlocked. Come in._

This is stupid, he thinks to himself before opening the door. A quick look around shows no signs of Paul, so he calls out: “Paul?”

“In here!” Paul’s voice is coming from the bedroom and Ted isn’t sure he trusts that. He goes in there anyway only to find a mess of blankets and pillows. Oh, and Paul’s there too, somewhere among them.

For the first time today, Ted smiles. He’s a bit confused, but it doesn’t matter. Confused is better than outright sad. “What the fuck is this?”

“A blanket fort,” Paul says as if it’s the most regular thing in the whole world. It’s not. It’s not even up there. They’re thirty and thirty one respectively. What business does Paul have making blanket forts? “Come on.”

Fuck it, Ted decides. If there’s anyone in this world pride means nothing with, it’s Paul. Besides, he made it all the way over here. He’s not going to leave just because he finds the idea of a blanket fort kind of silly.

The space inside is rather tight, but it’s comfortable. Paul’s hung fairy lights in the topmost part of it and Ted’s pretty sure every single pillow Paul owns is in here. It’s kind of ugly and incoherent, but despite his best efforts, Ted can’t help but to find it kind of charming (and it’s probably all Paul’s fault, that dumbass).

He tries his best to lay down a respectable distance from Paul, but it proves difficult. This space really wasn't built for two people to be far apart. So when Paul holds out an arm and gestures to his chest with a half-committed head motion, Ted gives in and accepts that he’ll just have to cuddle up to Paul in order to be fully comfortable. He catches a soft smile on Paul’s lips before he closes his eyes.

“Why aren’t you at work?” Ted asks.

Paul wraps his arm properly around him and Ted can feel his thumb gently running up and down his side. It’s oddly comforting. “It’s February 20th and you weren’t at work.” He says that like it’s the most regular thing in the world too. It’s not.

“I’m sick.” He considers fake coughing, but it seems excessive. Extremely unnecessary. He has a feeling Paul _knows_ that isn’t the truth. He also doesn’t really care if Paul knows the truth.

“Sure.” Paul gives him a little squeeze. It wouldn’t surprise him if Paul remembered the date of his mother’s death. Paul remembers all sorts of things. And they were still pretty good friends back then. But he doesn’t say anything and he just lets Ted take his time. It’s… oddly nice.

But it’s also oddly challengeling, because that means it’s suddenly Ted’s responsibility to be the better person and stop fucking lying. “Or… I guess I’m just upset. But that’s basically the same thing if you ask me.” Excuses, excuses. He can damn well excuse himself if he so pleases, shut up.

“Your mom?” Paul asks. Ted nods. “I’m sorry. How long has it been?”

“Ten years,” Ted tells him. They talk about it for a while. Not too long, but not too short either. A comfortable amount (but that’s mostly because Ted tells Paul to shut up when he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and because Paul listens, of course).

They lay in silence for a while, Paul’s arm still around him and Ted’s head resting on his chest. It’s nice. It’s comfortable. And despite the fact that he finds the blanket fort fucking stupid, he appreciates this. Appreciates Paul. Paul didn’t have to take a day off for him, he would have been fine if he hadn’t, but he appreciates it a lot. It’s nice not to be alone with his thoughts. It’s nice to know Paul cares about him.

“Oh!” Paul’s voice cuts through the silence. He tells Ted to roll over on his side so they can watch a movie and Ted does so. Then Paul reaches between the pillows behind him and pulls out his laptop. He opens it up and places it not too far from Ted’s face.

Ted can’t help but to ask questions. “Is that–”

“ _Mamma Mia?_ Yeah.”

“That’s a musical. You know that, right?”

Paul nods. “I’m aware.” Then he too rolls over on his side. He wraps his arms around Ted and pulls him a little closer. Ted can’t help it but smile. “I’m willing to make sacrifices. But only today. And only because I like you.”

It only makes Ted’s smile grow. Paul likes him? He doesn’t want to misinterpret it or anything, so he doesn’t comment on it. He just smiles, moves around to get a little more comfortable (and, okay, a little bit closer to Paul) and then presses play on the movie.

He doesn’t know if Paul actually watches _Mamma Mia!_ or if he should interpret the occasional kisses Paul presses to the back of his head as him, trying to distract himself, but either way he’s happy Paul’s even willing to do this with him. Paul doesn’t like musicals. He knows that. But he’s doing this anyway and Ted appreciates him for it.

They reposition once again when the movie’s over: They just go back to their previous position, but it’s nice after having spooned for a long while. Ted takes a chance and lets his leg drape across Paul’s body, and it pays off because Paul laughs a little and lets him.

“Thank you,” Ted says after a long while of silence. “For this, for today. Thank you. I mean it.”

Another kiss, this time lingering on the top of his head. It makes him smile. Again. “Of course.”

Friends probably don’t cuddle like this. Friends probably don’t leave this many small kisses, especially not when they’re alone together rather than with other people, pretending to be in a relationship. Friends probably don’t make each other feel like Paul makes him feel.

Ted decides to take another chance, but instead of telling him that he likes him too or anything like that, he simply moves up a bit until they’re face to face. He wishes he could spend more time on this, that he could keep looking into Paul’s eyes and savour the moment, but he also has a feeling that if he doesn’t get it over with, he’s going to back out. So he leans in and–

Paul puts a hand on his chest. “No thanks. No. I’m sorry.” He laughs nervously and Ted can feel his heart drop. Fuck. “It’s, uh. It’s not because I don’t want to kiss you. I do. I do want to, trust me, I really do. It’s just, uh… I’ve been waiting kind of a long time for this, but you’re upset and… and you smell like cigarettes, which I realize maybe shouldn’t be a reason not to kiss you, but… The point is, I can wait.”

Waiting. For a long time. Paul’s been waiting for a long time for Ted to kiss him? And he likes him? And he wants to kiss him? His heart picks up again, but he does move his head back a bit. “Yeah. Of co– Yeah, we can wait.”

Paul smiles, which, in turn, means that Ted smiles. He does end up pressing a short kiss to Paul’s shoulder, before the eventually end up spooning again while watching something Paul wants to watch (it’s a Netflix show about a family and a haunted house that they’ve long moved out of, and it’s too scary for Ted’s liking but at least he has Paul there). They end up watching all of it and Ted’s favorite parts is when Paul decides to break the silence between them to tell him cool facts about the filming (apparently one of the hour long episodes only has five shots, which doesn’t really mean much to Ted because he doesn’t really care, but Paul seems very passionate about it so he remembers it anyway and tries his best to pay attention).

By the time the series is over, it’s late. Ted asks if he can stay over and Paul says that of course he can. The fort is really comfortable despite Ted’s best efforts to hate it, but Paul insists they get up and sleep in his bed (it’s apparently “more comfortable” and it’s where Paul’s used to sleeping, so he’d prefer to keep it that way; Ted doesn’t mind).

This time, they don’t bother going to sleep on opposite sides of the bed.


	13. Friendship ended with Paul

It’s Paul’s alarm going off the next morning that wakes him up and Ted decides immediately that he hates his life. Not his current life: Right now he’s entangled with Paul and it’s nice, warm and comfortable. No, he hates his life in a few hours. The part of him that has to get up and go to work. That’s the last thing he wants.

Paul wakes up too. He knows this because  _ someone  _ moves around and turns off the alarm and it’s certainly not him. Ted feels a lingering kiss being pressed to the top of his head, which makes him smile. Then Paul starts untangling himself, which makes Ted look up at him with a pout. “No,” he whispers. It’s not his best effort, but he just woke up. He’s allowed to not give his all. “Stay here.”

At least that makes Paul laugh a little bit. He has a nice laugh. “Well, good morning to you too.” And yeah, it sucks that he’s untangled himself, but at least he’s not left the bed yet. That’s a positive. “We have work.”

“Yeah, well I don’t really want to go to work today,” Ted states. “Can’t we just stay here?”

Paul rolls his eyes and shakes his head, which Ted decides to take as a positive. People can roll their eyes endearingly, right? “You can. If you want to.  _ I’m  _ going to work.”

And while Ted does attempt the whole pouting trick again, it doesn’t seem to work anywhere near as well this time. He tries to think of other ways to allow them to stay. “How about… Just five more minutes?”

“Alright. Just five minutes.” Five minutes turns into ten because Paul accidentally dozes and Ted forgets to keep track of time, but it’s alright because Paul decides he can survive getting his morning coffee at the office rather than at Starbucks (which he apparently prefers to Beanie’s, he just likes hanging out with Emma; Ted doesn’t know what to do with that information, but he does listen to Paul talk about coffee places on their way in the car and for someone who just drinks black coffee with nothing in it, Paul sure has some opinions).

Workdays never really change and yet, this one manages to be different. Maybe it’s because Ted’s not been rolling his chair up to Paul’s desk this whole week and now he’s doing it again. It’s probably not it, but Ted wishes it was.

He blames Paul, even though, yeah sure, it was Ted who smoked before showing up at Paul’s place (where he didn’t even know he’d be going, mind you!), but like, he would have totally kissed Paul if Paul had smoked so he comes to the conclusion that he’s totally in the right to be blaming Paul for this. If they’d just gotten the whole kissing business out of the way, today would’ve been far more regular.

Probably.

Whatever. It doesn’t really matter, because it’s not a bad irregular. In fact, it’s a quite good one. There’s excitement in the air or maybe just in his body, but either way he feels excited and he can’t quite place a finger on what that’s about.

That’s a lie. Kind of. Only kind of. His excitement is one hundred percent about Paul, but he just doesn’t know what it is and he wants to find out. He’s been on the phone with Sherman Young for the past 13 minutes and he’s tired of the conversation, but Paul turns around to look at him with the softest smile every now and again and it warms his heart (and makes him feel completely weak in the knees, thank God he’s not standing up). Seriously, this should not be allowed.

He wants to kiss Paul, he does. But what was said yesterday is really getting to his head. He’s waited this long so he can wait a little longer, or whatever. What exactly does that mean and where exactly does that leave them? Because what Ted’s getting is that their next kiss has to be special and you can’t just make up something special and– He needs to stop overthinking this, huh?

As soon as Sherman finally, finally,  _ finally  _ hangs up, Ted taps Paul on the shoulder. And as soon as Paul’s done entering in the final line of numbers he’s working on, he turns around and meets Ted with another soft smile. “Hey. What’s up?”

“We have to go fetch something,” Ted tells him. “In the supply closet. I need an extra pair of hands.”

Paul nods. He gets up from his seat and the two of them make their way towards the supply closet together. “What is it that we…” Paul trails off when Ted closes the door behind them and it turns dark. He eventually adds the last word. “... Need?”

Ted doesn’t have it in him to tell Paul that they don’t actually need anything at all, so he doesn’t. At least not verbally. Instead, he grabs ahold of Paul’s tie and gently pulls him in for a kiss. And hey, maybe he doesn’t have to tell Paul that this isn’t about fetching something but rather about making out, because Paul pins Ted up against the wall right next to the door and kisses him back.

It’s not a terribly exciting or romantic first kiss. Hell, it’s not even a first kiss. It’s kind of messy and mundane, but he’s kind of messy and Paul’s kind of mundane so maybe that’s alright.

They eventually break away from the kiss, but Paul keeps Ted pinned against the wall and Ted has no complaints about that (in fact, he’s rather happy about it and he pulls Paul in for another, this time brief, kiss).

“Do you actually need anything in here or a–”

Ted interrupts. “Yes.” It’s not quite the truth, but it’s not a lie either. At least in his mind it’s not. “You.”

It makes Paul laugh a little. It also makes him kiss Ted again, so that’s pretty fucking good as well. “I love you.” Paul pulls away from the kiss to tell him that and while it’s kind of terrifying, it also makes him feel… happy?

“I love you too.” He’s smiling. He knows Paul probably can’t see it, but it doesn’t matter because he can’t stop himself. He doesn’t know where exactly this leaves them, but he knows he’s excited to find out.

They go home together after work and they talk about it. They actually for real talk about it. Paul feels it’d be weird for them to go back, start over and casually see each other. Ted, strangely enough, agrees. He’s gotten so used to being in a relationship with Paul and he’d hate to miss out on doing it, but for real this time.

Boyfriends. They settle on boyfriends.

Paul says they should at least tell his parents about the several months they pretended to be in a relationship without actually being in one, so that’s what they end up doing. And little by little, their coworkers start finding out which causes some confusion when they then kiss in the parking lot or arrive together in the morning.

A month later, everyone seems to be more or less aware of what happened. Well, almost everyone. It’s not until they share a kiss in the line at Beanie’s they realize they forgot to tell Emma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of can't believe this is over? idk i grew fond of these two nerds and i'll probably write more of them in the near future bkldjfs. thank you all for reading!!!!! find me on tumblr @krayonders


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